My Last Meal
This book is dedicated to
“all My children”
A special thanks to the One that inspired me to write this book, to Maury a dear friend of mine and to Bob who made this book shine
Copyright© August 2016 by Mario Zullo
All rights reserved.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
For a free copy of this book or if you have any
questions or comments: firstname.lastname@example.org
Printed in the United States of America
First Printing: August 2016
- My last meal
- My last few days
- How do I prepare for this?
- I gave my life so that others could continue to live
- I asked a favor from my Lord
- Died of natural causes
- I haven’t had a homemade meal in months
- I did not feel like going out with my kids on my birthday
- I always tried to help others but didn’t realize that I couldn’t help myself
- I needed to leave now so that my family could start to be more united
- How my family handles this situation will either unite or separate us
- Towards the end, some people thought I did some stupid things
- Drugs and alcohol
- My name is……I’m an………
- Don’t attack me, attack what my sickness has done to me
- Love the person, hate the addiction
- All of you wanted to attack my new friend
- You could see the sickness that I had
- Who I really was never changed regardless of what you saw
- I am not dead yet
- What did I do wrong to deserve being treated this way by the ones that loved me
- I wish I would have been told the truth
- Nobody cared about how I would feel
- The more you love someone the more you need to let them be who they really are
- I knew the real you
- I loved you more than you will ever know
- When did I stop loving you? Never
- When did you start to love me less?
- When did you start to hate me?
- I just want you to be happy and do what is right
- I needed a reason why I needed to stop doing what I was doing
- To start the healing process one must forgive and help them become better than before
- Justice will be done
- I can be your worst nightmare and ask God to not give you peace
- To have closure
- Sometimes you need to open the wound again so that it can truly heal
- A beautiful coffin
- I was dressed up very nicely, good thing my spirit had already departed from my body
- Crocodile tears
- I was a sinner just like you, don’t just paint a rosy picture about me
- Finally free
- My body has died, who will tell our side of the story?
- I know that my Lord will not let me down
- We have something in common with this person
- Eventually I will be remembered very little
- Back to business as usual
- They are gradually forgetting about me and are concentrating on continuing to live their lives without me
- I was not born this way
- From bottom to top and back to bottom
- Lately I was thinking that every night was going to be my last night
- Thank you Lord for having mercy
- My last breath
- It is not that I wasn’t going to die anyways but how I felt before this happened
- There was no cure for what I had because my day and the way I was going to leave was already planned before I was born
- Some might say that I ended my life as a coward but the Lord knows how much pain I had to go through
- I know now that nothing is done without my Lord’s permission
- Some might be thanking God that He finally took me away
- To some I was worth more dead than alive
- I haven’t left, I am here closer than you think
- I don’t want to come back
- We don’t have time for this or that
- Did you try your best?
- If all problems in this world were to be kept in the dark
- What happened to me and how I handled it might serve as a lesson to all
- It doesn’t take much to accomplish a lot
- What the world sees is not what truly is
- You can’t take anything with you
- The beginning An open letter about “My last meal”
This book is not the story of any particular person but about the millions of people in this world that have, are, or will be going through similar situations as I have. I am not sharing my story so that you will feel sorry for me, because compared to how I was living before and how I am doing it now, I can’t describe with words how it is like. I have never been more alive and have been able to see and feel things like I am now. This is why nobody has ever returned from this life back to the one that they have had before.
The real purpose of this book is so that those that are still living on this earth can just stop for just a moment and reflect what they consider important in this life. How they truly feel when they see someone that is either the “least” or those that seem to have the “most”. How they interact with those that seem to have it “all” going their way or those that seem to have to always walk uphill. Most importantly is not how they see them, but like I said before, feeling and interacting with them. Sometimes those that seem to be on top of the world are the ones that are struggling internally with some issues and even though on the outside they seem to be happy, internally they are not and they don’t have peace.
Those that sometimes look like they are part of the forgotten and abandoned people of this world are the ones that might have this peace inside that keeps their hopes up that someday this sort of hell will pass and be taken away to someplace better. Some of these people have been professionals and were at the top of their game, but situations that happened to them caused this fall into the pit and they didn’t want to climb out because they felt comfortable associating with these new “real” people of this earth. They don’t have much in this world but they seem to have each other. Most have resorted to dealing with their situations by taking whatever they can to numb their feelings so it doesn’t hurt as much to remember what others have done to them. They have been used, abused, taken advantage of and then when all of the juice was sucked out of them they were discarded to fend for themselves. Some were great parents, children, brothers or sisters, aunts or uncles, husbands or wives of someone, but that was in the past and life continues because the train left the station, and they were left behind wondering what to do from now on.
You might think that what is happening to us is because we are sick and this is maybe true, but most of us have found a new friend that will not abandon us and is available to come to our rescue even if it only helps us for just a few hours. Some might call this an addiction but this is not totally true because having been abandoned, shunned or left behind is not something pleasurable to have gone through, and if there is something that one can do to numb this pain, then what is wrong with doing this?
I have talked with professionals that wanted to help me, but most didn’t really know how I truly felt because they hadn’t “been there and done that”. They only knew what they had been taught and weren’t able to truly know what was going on in my head. I didn’t want people to walk in my shoes but to just borrow my head for just one day, and then we could finally sit down and discuss my situation at a deeper level than before.
I know that they all meant well but there was only one source that could totally renovate me from the inside out but it was not according to His plan. It wasn’t because He didn’t love me enough or have mercy on me, but because He wanted me to be by His side right now. He could have done this a few years ago when I was at the top of my game, but He chose to bring me back to Him when I would be more receptive to truly know who He really is. Also if He would have done this a few years ago, then I would not have known what I know now and there would be no reason for this book to be written and shared by all. The only thing that I could have shared with anyone would have been how to get to the top of the mountain as quickly as possible before your 50th birthday.
There is a reason why everything happens to us in this world, but most of the time we won’t know what that reason is. In good times we should be thankful and appreciate what we have, and in troubled times, we should also appreciate the opportunity to learn from these experiences. Sorry to say, but we don’t do this most of the time. At least I didn’t do this, and maybe a lot of you will agree with me. It is too late to go back and change anything in my life and if everything that I have done right or wrong has gotten me to this place, then I would not have wanted to change anything that I did. I finally know who was truly in charge of my life. Who walked beside me, led the way, was pushing me so that I would not stop and give up and ultimately who carried me when I truly felt that I couldn’t take another step. Now that I truly know who He is then there is no turning back and I must continue forward.
This does not mean that I am forgetting the loved ones I left behind but moving forward means that the past is the past and I must do what He wants me to do for Him from now on. I know that an important step is this book so that you are made aware of some of the things that I went through during the last years of my life. Not to put any blame on anyone, but if by reading this book you can think of just one person in this world that could be going through what I have had to go through, and this will inspire you to reach out to them, then I will have helped Him accomplish His will. Only my creator and I truly know how much I have loved and will love my family and friends and a few of my enemies forever. I imagine that I might be given the opportunity to be present during important events that my family will participate in. God willing, I will be walking down the aisle with my daughter if she decides to ever get married to whomever. I will be present during their best and worst moments. The bleachers will seem empty when my kids will be playing sports and won’t see me there but if they will look closely, they will be able to see me. I will help care for them and inspire and be able to whisper in their hearts that I have not left them.
I don’t know how all of this will be done, but my Lord will know, and only if He wants me to, will I be able to do anything that I feel I need to do. I finally know who has been in charge of this whole show. Who is pulling the strings now and will continue to do this for all eternity. I didn’t purposely leave the love of my life till the end, but I will also be closer to her than I have ever been before. She might not realize this because of having to handle many things by herself from now on, but I am willing to help her with the Lord’s permission, and if she will permit me. Maybe as time goes by she will be able to find someone else that can help her more than I could and she will move on with her life and continue to take me out of the picture like before. I am sad to say but this is happening quicker than I would have expected. Life continues and I will need to continue with this new life. Now I know that this new true friend that has been with me all along will never abandon me because He is the only one that has truly loved me from the beginning for who I really was and not because of whom I had become. This love does not fill me just for a short time period but for all eternity. In some cases it is better that the truth not be known but in my particular case it needs to be known so as my passing on would have served for a purpose and not just because it was my time to go. This is not to open wounds again, but to permit them to heal completely so that even though there will always remain a scar, they won’t get infected and affect the rest of the body.
We are not inspiring this person to tell this story, the Lord is telling him things that maybe we didn’t know about or were not made aware of. We don’t need to say anything because our Lord knows it all. He is the one that is choosing to tell more things about us that nobody else would have ever known because He has gone inside of us to places that nobody was permitted to enter so that He can totally cleanse us with His grace. We thank Him for permitting this simple person to write what my Lord dictates to him to write. Hopefully you will believe that this is true because it is coming directly from the source. You should not just read this book, but be willing to do something about what you read for someone. Reach out to someone that could be going through what we have had to go through by whatever means. It doesn’t take much to do a lot.
Don’t waste another day, maybe you could have been the one to put their last smile on their faces during their last meal.
- MY LAST MEAL
I arrive home and there I see a box and I know what is inside. They insisted that they would leave it there even though I said that it was okay to bring it another day. I told them that I was supposed to pick this up like I have done it before in the past in the park, but today I was busy doing maintenance on my car and I could not break away to do this. I being my usual self of not bothering anyone too much just told them that we could just do this another day not knowing that there would not be another day to do this. I gave them the address to my house because I had never told them this and they never asked me where I lived at because they respected my privacy and knew that others would be able to help me it I needed them to.
All the members of my family know where I have been living these last few years and thanks to them I was able to get the help that I needed when I required it. I was anxious to go inside and warm up this pasta that was made with tomato sauce and it was just a couple of days ago that I also enjoyed eating some other food that I received from another relative of mine and had put it in the trunk of my car.
The kitchen table is in the middle of the room and on a wall there is a mirror. One can sit at the table and while one is eating something you can look at yourself in the mirror and see that somebody is eating with you. This mirror makes the room look bigger and when someone has others eating there with them it just makes the occasion more festive because one can think that there are twice as many people sitting at the table then there really are.
I have done my usual routine and I am sitting at the table looking at myself in the mirror. This food tastes so delicious because I have warmed it up in the microwave and I am ready to enjoy this meal while looking at my friend in the mirror. I can see that the years are gradually catching up to him and I see that he has gained some weight because his face is round and chunky which could mean that he is getting healthier. I think that this is a good sign or maybe not. I eat slowly so that this meal can last longer and am drinking my usual beverage. I am truly enjoying this meal but then realize that in reality I am there by myself. I can talk to the image on the mirror but it can’t talk back to me. I know that my family loves me but I have not received a phone call from them in weeks and I know that they are going out of town without me and will probably have a lot of fun and maybe think about me once in a while. Hopefully they will call me sometime and see how I am doing because I know that they will be enjoying this little vacation. I am thinking of why I hadn’t been invited and even though I know the reason why, at least I could have been invited and I could have made the choice of not going but the choice was made for me by not inviting me. While thinking about this my appetite has just vanished and even though there is still some food left on the plate my desire to finish it has gone away.
I am not feeling too well right now because my mind has started to remember some things about what has been happening to me lately. I just want to go and lay down and have my mind go and visit that wonderful place where all of your problems are left behind even though it might be only for a short time.
- MY LAST FEW DAYS
For some reason or another I knew that something was going to happen because during these last few days I was starting to see the sun come out of the clouds and I knew that maybe just maybe everything was going to be back to normal again. It has been a long time since this has ever happened. It seemed that there was not going to be an end to this sort of hell that I have been going through.
Everybody has come to my rescue but still I have been going deeper and deeper into this hole and I know that I can do this on my own. I am not a person to come out and ask for help from anyone. I can do this. I can do this. If only I would be able to live just one more day, I know that I can get through this and conquer this friend that has turned into my worst enemy. I have noticed that a few friends of mine have come into the picture again. I thought that they had abandoned me like many others. I don’t blame them because I have been a pain in the butt for many. Probably they have all been amazed that I have lasted this long. Somebody told me that maybe some were waiting for me to die and I remember that I laughed at this idea. I am still young and I am surrounded by people that are much older than me and there is no way that this will happen. I have a lot to live for. I have a bunch of young children and I love them so much and even though my wife and I have had our issues like most couples have this love that I have for her, even though I haven’t shown much of it during these last couple of years will remain in me until I can get better and truly show how much I still love her.
I have been receiving a couple of homemade meals either delivered to my door or given to me at a park. People might have thought that maybe it was a drug deal but who cares. I have not been much concerned about what other people have said about me because I like the way I am and even though some might call this having a big ego, in reality this is not the case. I have never liked it when people called me by my professional name even though I have many degrees, diplomas and certificates of appreciation but they do not determine who I really am.
I have been texting more than I have before and feel this new energy within me that now I truly know that I am going to make it. I will have won the battle even though I have a lot of scars to mend and a lot of people that I need to go up to and say “thank you” to. They have had this faith in me and I will finally show them that their investments in me have finally paid off.
I have also received some very sad news about what my family intends to do during the summer months. This is something difficult to accept because I have not been invited even though some of those expenses are being paid by me. One must learn to accept the cross they have to bear during this life. I have learned that I have picked up a couple of crosses too many but I am still strong enough to handle this. I am going to try my best even though the end result might not be what I expect it to be. If I would have known that these were going to be my last few days I would have certainly done things differently. I would have at least tried to resolve a situation that has truly bothered me during the last 5 years but there was nothing that I could have done about it. I was being pushed out of the picture more and more. It was my fault but at least I could have done just one more thing to resolve this issue. Maybe my Lord can find somebody out there that can help Him with this?
- HOW DO I PREPARE FOR THIS?
This is the question that I asked an angel that stood by my bed in the living room. This was going to just be another one of those nights that I was expecting to go to sleep and in the morning go through my regular routine in this life. I had just taken a shower and left my clothes on the floor beside the couch. My personal belongings were neatly put away on the table and I left the computer screen turned on. This was my routine every night for many years and it seemed to work so that I could fall asleep quicker. The light that the screen emitted lit up the room so that it didn’t seem so dark in there. I could have bought a couple of night lights but I preferred this method.
Some nights I had to take some over the counter pills because it was difficult to turn my brain off as it started to create different scenarios about what had been going on in my life these last couple of years. I thought that things were getting better and there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I was right but wasn’t made aware of what that light was going to be. Lately it seemed that a few people started to care a little bit more about me and maybe just maybe with God’s help I could start to pull out of this hole that I had dug myself into. I was the only one that was to blame and I was the only one that could get myself out. At least this is what I thought.
Even though there were a couple of ropes thrown down into this hole that I could have grabbed and probably would have been able to climb out, I decided to do it my way. This is how I have been able to accomplish a lot of things in this world and since this system had worked many times, I thought that I could handle this on my own and find a solution to this problem. I had also eaten a wonderful plate of food brought to my doorstep the night before and as I was looking in the mirror while I was eating them when something came over me and I just couldn’t finish it.
That was yesterday and tonight was tonight. This night seemed a little strange because I was feeling more peace than I had ever felt during these last couple of years. I had gotten mad and said some things that I now regret. I had felt also since my birthday a couple of months ago this feeling of abandonment. The world was continuing to keep rotating and people were still living but I felt that they were so occupied with the things that they had to do and that I was being left behind. I knew that maybe this was not the case but actions speak louder than words.
As I lay there with my eyes finally shut I felt a presence and when I opened them, there I saw the most beautiful being that I had ever seen during my whole life. He said that it was my time to go. I knew what he was talking about. I asked him how do I prepare for this? He answered that I only needed to close my eyes and that when he would tell me to open them that I would feel this peace that I had been searching for but was never able to find it. I will not describe what happened after this because you will know from these other writings. This was the simplest task that I have ever done in my life. It was not difficult and I didn’t feel afraid of what was going to happen when I opened my eyes. I just obeyed what he had told me to do and I knew that this was all arranged previously by someone that truly loved me for who I was and not for whom I had become.
This was going to be the start of something new for me but I knew that I was not going to do this alone and this gave me true peace.
- I GAVE MY LIFE SO THAT OTHERS COULD CONTINUE TO LIVE
I forgot to mention something that happened to me before I was taken away back to my real home. It is not because I forgot to mention this because it was not important but so many things have happened to me in just a short time that I didn’t know where to start. The only thing that I can tell you is that the Lord knows the date and the time and also the means that your life will end on this earth. Thank God that we don’t know this or else we would not really live free and be able to do the things that we need to do here before we need to leave.
Let me tell you what else happened to me when I was awakened by this angel of God. He didn’t have to speak to me because I could feel what he was telling me. He asked me a question? He asked me if I wanted to continue to live this way. You might think that I was dreaming but I wasn’t. He asked me if I wanted to go or not. You might think that this is not true but it is, because we always say that when your number is up you need to go. Don’t worry this saying is correct and now I will explain to you why.
Let’s get back on track. He gave me a choice I thought, but in reality he already knew ahead of time or the Lord that sent him already knew the answer to this question. He was just a messenger to deliver what the Lord had sent him to say and do for Him. At first when I heard this question I immediately thought about myself and I knew what I had been going through all of these years and I didn’t know what was awaiting me. This created a sort of fear in me. They say that one bird in hand is better than two flying. This means that it is better to choose what one knows than to be adventurous and go for the unknown. He gave me a glimpse of not just what I had experienced during these last few years but also all those that truly had feelings for me. I felt their spirits when they had talked about me. Kind of like Mr. Scrooge when he was able to see the past, present and future events of his life. When I saw this I realized that my pain was not mine alone. I thought that I was the only one suffering and that the rest of the world had forgotten about me. This was not true and as I saw their faces and felt their spirit I began to realize that I was not abandoned by all. There were those out there that were praying for a miracle every night.
I wasn’t aware that this was happening before, but this wonderful angel of God was showing me all of these things that only He knew about and not me. It comforted my soul to know this. I wanted to stay and get better and as I looked into the eyes of the angel he just nodded and made me aware that I was not going to get better and that I was going to continue this way until the end. There was no cure for what I had and in God’s great wisdom this is why He sent this messenger to show me what I didn’t know about. He knew what I was going to choose. I needed to leave so that I wouldn’t be a burden to others any more. I now felt this peace and I knew that I was ready to leave this life on this earth and that truly it was my time to go. My Lord knew this from the day I was born what was going to happen to me and the lives of others that I was going to affect. I had peace after I was made aware of the whole picture and as I laid in the bed, the other question came to my mind about what I should do next and this is when he said to me to just close my eyes and relax and when I would open them again I would be in a better place.
- I ASKED A FAVOR FROM MY LORD
Most of you might be thinking what this favor was. You might have thought that I asked for my parents and brothers and sisters to all be taken care of in my absence. Also you probably thought that my main concern would also be my wife and children, and also my in-laws. I can imagine that other people that are in my same situation have probably done this. For me, since I have been considered a person that would take the road less travelled, I was going to ask a different favor from my Lord. It is not because I wanted to stand out while I was here in this new place but because I truly felt it in my soul that this is what I wanted Him to do.
The interesting thing about where I am at right now is that my eyes for the first time have truly been opened and I have found out so many things that I thought that they were true and have discovered that they were not. Things that I also thought were not true, now I know that they are. So many people that I thought that they loved me for who I really was and now I know that this was not the case. So many enemies that I thought that I had, now I can see that I was the one that was mistaken and not them. So many things I can mention but I need to go back to the favor that I wanted to ask the Lord. I still am new here and don’t understand a lot of things but one thing that I have learned and I am really clear on and that the Lord is the Lord, He is the man. Not because He is a man but because He knows everything and He is the top honcho.
Sorry that I have used these earthly terms but I can’t find words here to express how I feel because one doesn’t communicate with words here but with thoughts that come truly from the soul and because I don’t have a mouth and others don’t have ears then it would impossible to communicate the way I used to do it when I was sort of alive someplace else. In reality I don’t need to ask the Lord anything because He already knows what I need and the same goes for everyone that is here with me. Maybe someplace else I will try to explain more, but like I said before, I am new here and this new real, true, wonderful and beautiful life is just too much for one to take it all in, in just a short time.
The favor that I wanted to ask but the Lord already knew it was that I wanted some special person to be the one that would find my earthly body first. Why? The Lord knows who that person could be and it wouldn’t matter if it was a relative, friend or just the cleaning lady. This person would feel the special spirit that was left in that room and would have engraved in their eyes the image of my lying there all by myself with no one around me. This person might be asked many questions and maybe even be accused of having done something with regards to what happened to me. Regardless of whom my Lord chooses I am sure that they will be the right person to do the right thing. If it was up to me then I might choose the wrong one and I don’t want to be a bother to anyone and this is why I have been living in this place for a few years. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my issues by coming in and then going away to my cave so that others could continue doing what they wanted to do without me. I know that sometimes I lost my patience and control and have said thousands of things that it is too late to take back once they left my mouth but now I have other things to concentrate on. This is the favor that I wanted to ask my Lord and I think that I was a dollar short and a day late because this is what happened.
I never knew my Lord that well while I was someplace else but gradually I am realizing how much I missed out.
- DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES
This is probably what my death certificate will have written on it. This way there will not be an investigation about how I really died. For sure they are going to find some substances in my blood that they will probably determine that they helped with my death. My heart maybe was shot and also some other organs were probably not functioning properly. I didn’t eat much because these substances that I was consuming provided enough energy to my system that it kept it alive but not in the right way. My body was lacking the proper nutrients to function properly but I have been doing this for some years and I felt okay. I was functioning better because of what I had to take every day and if it was not my turn yet then it would not be my turn until the Lord sent somebody to come for me.
What the report will not show is how I have been feeling these last few months, especially since these last couple of years. Maybe there was a chance that things could go back to normal if I would have tried a little harder but somebody came into the picture and things changed for worse and not better. I was gradually being pushed away and discarded even though I wasn’t dead yet. I reacted by using not the appropriate words that any man should be saying but it was not the “real” me talking but another me that I had turned into.
I was praying to God to miraculously cure me of what I had but His will is not our will sometimes. I was feeling more and more abandoned and even though I was trying to deal with it my way it wasn’t working as it had in the past. I cried for help from my relatives and they came to the rescue but I decided that I wasn’t sure that this fight was worth it any more. Instead of climbing out of the hole that I had gotten myself into, it seemed that I was going deeper and deeper into it. Nobody was throwing down any more ropes because before I would not grab on to them. I guess they got tired of trying to help me because they thought that I didn’t want their help.
How mistaken they were. I wanted them to keep helping me even though it seemed that I didn’t. My inner self kept crying out for help even though my outer body was refusing it. They just didn’t take the time to look into my soul and see what was in there still struggling to live. More than what was happening to my outer body was the notion that I had been abandoned by everyone. They all seemed to be too busy to just send me a text or call me and see how I was doing. A friend sent a text asking me how I was doing and I responded that I was still alive. The suffering that I was going through knowing that everybody was living without me was too much for any man to endure. At least when Jesus was being beaten and crucified there were people there watching. I don’t think that he suffered the pain of having been abandoned by everybody but who am I to know what is written in the Bible.
The only thing that I know is that in this report it will not state how I was feeling when I took my last breath on this earth, or if I died of a broken heart or not. How I was feeling the day before or the week before or maybe even months before that led to this day. In reality it was a relief for me to finally leave behind this earthly body of mine but what I took with me were the memories of the pain and suffering that I suffered during this time period.
Don’t feel sorry for me because, for this world, I died of natural causes.
- I HAVEN’T HAD A HOMEMADE MEAL IN MONTHS
As long as one can find something to eat what difference does it make if the food is homemade or not? Sometimes what one buys or eats someplace else is tastier and maybe healthier for you depending on what you buy and where you eat at. I have lost weight and I have gained it all back. It seems that I don’t know what to do about finding the right balance of what I eat and what I do. It is also due to the fact that I am consuming more calories from what I am eating and this doesn’t help with my situation. My body is getting the calories it needs to survive but it is coming from the wrong source. I guess I will keep trying to survive the best I can.
I don’t have a cook that comes and makes the meals that I need and so I just get by with what I have and if I am hungry I just get a bite to eat wherever I can find it. I don’t have a regular routine like when I was surrounded by other people. I could cook eggs and bacon and at least there was a constant flow of nutrients coming into my body but lately I am not doing this. I have the time and the money to do this because I do make enough to survive but I don’t have that many expenses. I am waiting for someone to call me and maybe offer me some homemade food but the phone call doesn’t come. I feel strange calling and asking for someone else to cook something for me.
I remember when I was constantly invited by my friends and family to come and join them at a meal. They would serve me like I was a king and not because I was one but just out of respect for who they thought that I was. I have travelled to many places with many people that wanted my advice and they appreciated that I would not betray them and just do what I was hired to do. Some of my friends have abandoned me because I have insulted them and called them names and maybe hung up on them but I was frustrated that I couldn’t be my old self anymore. I looked everywhere but he was nowhere to be found. I know that he is there and he could be hiding from me but sooner or later he will need to come out and then things will be better and maybe they could be as it was before. This is what I was always thinking but maybe I was wrong and he was hiding deeper and deeper in me.
Maybe there is truly a God because some of my friends decided to communicate with me more than they had before. Some started to bring some homemade food to me. One friend gave me some food when I met him and after he handed it to me he gave me a hug. It felt good when we did this because I could feel the warmth of not just his body but his love for me. My friends truly cared that I was eating something delicious and not expensive and at the same time it would give my body the nutrients that it so desperately needed to survive. Sorry to say but this only happened a few times because my time was running out quickly and maybe just maybe if my friends would have started doing this sooner I would still be here. Who knows? Only God knows. Oh well que sera, sera as the saying goes. Maybe they can all learn from this lesson and that if one would just think that one minute one is here and the next they are gone then maybe next time they will not wait as long to help someone else with their problem.
Don’t get me wrong because I truly appreciated the small things that everybody did for me and now I can truly understand that they did truly did what they did because they loved me and not just because they had to it so they looked good to others.
- I DID NOT FEEL LIKE GOING OUT WITH MY KIDS ON MY BIRTHDAY
My birthday has come and gone. Some people knew which day it was and some didn’t. Some of my closest friends forgot about this and nobody wished me to have a nice day or invite me out because maybe they had other obligations that they needed to go to. I sent out a few text messages to family members to see who would respond but nobody did. Even the ones that I confided in seemed to have turned off their phones or at least this is what I imagined.
I have known thousands of people in my life and they all looked up to me. I could have called any of them and they would have come to my aid at any time but when things are going terrible sometimes we close ourselves up and don’t want to ask for help. Not because one has a big ego like most people thought I had but because I believed that I could handle this situation by myself like I have resolved other situations. It reminded me of Jesus when almost all of his disciples had abandoned Him and only just a handful of people bothered to even go and be present during His death. Now I know how He felt.
I promised to go out with my family even though I was in no condition to do this. I didn’t want them to see me this way and it wasn’t because I needed to put on my best. I didn’t want them to suffer any more so I decided to not keep that appointment. They must have thought that I was a flake as usual and that I didn’t care about them, but that was not the case. They must have thought that I cared more about doing something else. If only I would have had the courage to tell them the truth about how I was feeling.
I have loved my family more than they ever knew but with this weight on my shoulders it was getting too heavy to bear. At first it seemed easy but then it became heavier and heavier. I thought that maybe if they loved me a little bit more or they cared a little bit more they could have bought some cheap cake and come to my house and sing me happy birthday in my living room. Maybe they would not have liked how I looked or how I smelled but at least they would have had the opportunity of seeing me. I know that it was not my kids or my wife’s fault because they have had a lot of patience with me. They have been at my side during the best years of my life and also during the worst. For that I truly love them more than when I was at my best. I didn’t demonstrate this and it is my fault. I would say things that when I was by myself I would feel so depressed and couldn’t find a solution to change the way I treated them. Also if I didn’t want to see them I could have just talked through the door and gave some excuse that I had some contagious disease but I didn’t have to do this either. They could have just stood there and sang a song for me and leave this cake at my doorstep.
Well now it is too late to go back and change anything but we can try to do better the next time something like this happens again to anyone. Now I am able to participate in all birthdays because my family doesn’t need to come to me but I can now come to them wherever they are at. Now I know what they are all feeling for me. I am closer to all of you more than you can even imagine.
- I ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP OTHERS BUT DIDN’T REALIZE THAT I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF
This is a lesson that I have had to learn the hard way. I have a lot of earthly accomplishments to show how hard I worked at what I was good at doing. I could write a book in no time and I could say things in such a way that I would have ears listening to every word that came out of my mouth. I was at the top of my game and I loved it but I also knew who were ones that I was serving at that time, and they needed to shine and I needed to stay in the shadows.
I didn’t much care about getting credit for the things that I did because I didn’t do it to be recognized or appreciated. I just did it because it was my job and I wanted to do it well because this is how I have always been. I was loved by all because I didn’t look down on anyone and treated them with disrespect and always tried to give recognition to those that didn’t receive much because I knew how hard they all worked to keep this machine running smoothly. It was not an easy job trying to please everyone and it did involve working many hours and this put a big strain on my family but these people needed me more or else the world would come to a halt. They looked up to me to be the one that could solve all of the problems that could arise even though my solution was simple, at least for me, because it just came natural and to others they thought that I had a magic wand in my hat.
I didn’t want to get to the top because I felt more comfortable helping others get to the top and just letting me take care of the loose ends. I never planned that I was going to be doing those important tasks, but when destiny came knocking, and I guess I was at the right place at the right time. I didn’t have a lot of time to do my fatherly duties around the house, and my wife took care of the things that I didn’t have time to do. I trusted her abilities and she was able to juggle doing a million things and also having time to give me some of the attention that anybody so desperately needs when one’s duties obligates them to go to wherever they need to go to resolve whatever problems might have popped up.
I could have let the people that I was working for do more but I felt that if I could help them do what they were good at doing then as long as I did my part then everything would go just smoothly. When it came time to help myself that was another issue. I just didn’t realize that what was attacking me was something I could not defend myself from so easily. I didn’t have the skills or the knowledge to know what to do. It was like putting out a house fire with a garden hose. I was putting water on the fire but it was not going to be enough to stop the house from burning down.
I don’t think that I ever realized that I was not going to be able to resolve this issue even though everyone told me that I couldn’t do this alone. I just couldn’t accept the fact that since I helped so many solve their problems that I couldn’t solve mine. Theirs seemed so easy, but mine was something that I was not familiar with and in the end it won and I lost.
I fought a good battle but the enemy was just too strong for me to fight it on my own.
- I NEEDED TO LEAVE NOW SO THAT MY FAMILY COULD START TO BE MORE UNITED
That night when an angel came to take me away, I was given a glimpse of how some of my friends had been affected by what I was going through. I was also given a glimpse of what my family had been going through for many years. It seemed that as time went by instead of us being more and more united, we were each living our lives as though we were not a family any more. I saw what part I had in all of this but somebody else came into the picture and even though I could not see clearly what was going on I knew that something needed to be done. Each member of my family was doing their own thing. The family that I had always wanted to have was falling apart. Maybe on the outside it didn’t seem this way but my eyes were being opened and I could see that if this would continue to happen to me then each time it would get worst.
Even though I could get blamed for being the one that started this, I now know that this was not the case. My issues could have contributed to my family falling apart but I was not the only one to blame. I truly wanted to stay and help them out but I realized that by my hanging around longer that maybe I would have made things worse for them. If God would have cured me of my illness then maybe just maybe things would have been different but He is the only one to make this decision and He probably thought that I would be able to do more being closer to Him than having lived a few more years on this earth.
Whether you believe this or not I don’t care, but I literally gave my life so that others would have a chance to live a better life. When I found out what was going on in my own home I tried to stop this but it seemed that each time I opened my mouth the right words didn’t come out. I tried to gently say what I was trying to say like I used to be able to do, but it seemed that the situation got worse each time. I was creating something that I didn’t feel comfortable in doing and that was arguing. I said a million wrong words, but now I admit that I was wrong in what I did. I take the blame and accept the punishment, but again, I repeat, and it is not to hide behind what I had, but nobody took a little bit more time out of their busy schedule to try to have just a little bit more patience with me. To show just a little bit more love. To pray just a little bit more for me. To look me in the eye and tell me how much they loved me and that they needed for me to get better.
In the beginning this did happen for a little while, but then I was being accused of not wanting to change or not caring any more about anybody else except myself and this was not the case. My true self was being kept in a prison that very few people truly knew what this is like. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, but to try to understand just a little bit more what I was going through and that I would regret later. I can’t go back and change anything but I just wanted to clarify why I chose to do this for my family’s unity. Maybe this has not been accomplished just yet because it might look that they are more separated right now than before but the Lord works in mysterious ways and He is not done with putting this family back together just yet. I know now that He is working on something but doesn’t want to share it with anyone because.
He wants it to be a surprise so that we can celebrate with Him this event when it does happen and truly know who really is in charge of all of this.
- HOW MY FAMILY HANDLES THIS SITUATION WILL EITHER UNITE OR SEPARATE US
My family is in shock and still can’t believe that I am not there for them. They have gotten used to not seeing me as often as before. They have continued to live their lives without me being a big part of it. I don’t blame them for doing this. Life continues. I am the one that was stuck in this situation and it did not release me till the end.
There are a lot of emotions floating around the air. Some are of relief because they don’t have to worry about me anymore. They don’t have to text me and see if I am okay or if I am still here on this earth. They think that maybe I am in a better place than where I was before and they are right but I am already missing being able to talk to them and them talking to me. Our communication will be more like a one way street from now on. They can talk or think of me and wonder if I can listen or know what they are feeling for me. I do know. I do listen. I do know.
The problem is that I am restrained from being able to communicate with them through their earthly senses. It will be difficult for them to understand all of this and I can assure you that I don’t understand it either. I know that the ones that are in charge of repairing the damage that this life has caused me and also being able to feel and see for the first time everything that has happened to me is something that I need to be prepared to experience, otherwise it would be a shock and I might have a heart attack from this. Just kidding, because nothing can kill me anymore. I will be alive for all eternity.
This experience that I have had on this earth will stay with me always and the lessons learned will help me better understand who really has been in charge all along. The reason why I am telling you all of this is because in situations like this there are two directions that a family can take. It can unite them more for at least awhile like it is happening now until my body is laid to rest from where I came from. It can also separate them when they start to put blame on who did what or didn’t do something that could have prevented this or at least have postponed it for a few more years.
They are not thinking about me, they are only thinking about themselves. They need to know that I have not left this place. I can be where I want to be at any time I want to. There is somebody in charge of this and I don’t have to ask permission because He already knows what I need to have peace. I need to continue to protect and guide my family so that they will never forget about what I did for them while I was with them. They need to know that I will always be with them until it is their time to come to me or maybe I will go and accompany them to where I am right now. I might be the one that will heal their wounds and teach them the things they need to know. I am with them more than I have been while I had an earthly body. I ask that my passing away will bring you more together than you have ever been. Maybe I am asking for something that is too hard to accomplish but it is not I that is asking this but the One and only that wants you to be united and not separated. He has been with all of us since the day we arrived here and has never left us alone, not even for one second.
Now I have that opportunity to be with whomever I want to be with and do wherever I want to go without being weighed down by my earthly body. Please remember this always.
- TOWARDS THE END, SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT I DID SOME STUPID THINGS
They were right and I didn’t care. I didn’t know that I was not going to be around for much longer but something in me made me do some things that now I consider them to be stupid. I didn’t go out to a casino and blow all of my money or decided to throw a party and go out with a bang. Maybe it wasn’t as stupid as I now think that it was.
The time arrived to go and buy a car for my son and most parents have nightmares about this day because their insurance premiums will go higher because there is another driver in the household, and who knows how many times this car will have to be repaired because some kids at that age lack the experience and the responsibility to truly care about anything else except themselves. I decided to accompany him and go out and buy a car that any 18 year old would love to show off to their friends and I found one and I paid the dealer the asking price because I wanted this car for my son.
I really didn’t care because I was making decent money and I had some cash in my pocket and why not use it since you can’t take it with you anyways. I bought it and even though I don’t know anything about cars I saw the look in my son’s eyes and it was worth every penny of what I had spent on it. The smile on his face was worth a million dollars and luckily I didn’t spend this much on it. Big deal if some of the things on it were falling apart. Big deal if it didn’t start right off the bat. The experience of seeing him sitting there beside me was priceless. My son was finally an adult and who knows for how long I would be able to enjoy his laugh and smile and hear his words.
Life is short and I didn’t know how short it was going to be for me. This scene will remain in my life memories for the rest of all eternity. It was well worth every penny of what I had spent to enjoy this Kodak moment. This car has probably spent since that day more time in a mechanics shop than on the road. Each time this happened I was made aware of this stupid thing that I had done and that I was not going to be able to forget about this for many years or at least this is what they all thought.
I was called many names and this was not new to me. Just another nail in the coffin. I felt that I was almost dead anyways. Yes I had to admit that this was something stupid that I did but most of my life I was very cautious to not do these things. I tried to do my best even though I wasn’t my best now. I tried to put on a good smile and also a good show but lately I was getting tired of this same routine. I just wanted to rest and forget about all of this that was happening to me. I was getting tired and wasn’t sleeping that well at night. This thorn in my side about what happened to this car again and again made me realize that I was not dead yet. I would sometimes laugh about it and I didn’t have much to laugh about any more. This stupid thing made my life worth living for just a little longer because someday it had to stop breaking down and work like it was meant to be.
One of these days after fixing almost everything on it then finally the day would arrive when I would be appreciated for maybe not doing a stupid thing but a fun thing with my son just before it was my time to leave. This was my last good laugh that I had with him.
- DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
When you see these words written down they don’t bring any good thoughts into your mind. The reason being is that maybe you haven’t had the necessity to take any one of these so that you can continue to live your life with less pain. We know some drugs will help you live longer and help you cope with some issues that you might be having.
Prescriptions drugs are wonderful especially if you are in pain, because they just seem to be able to do miraculous things to you. Illegal drugs might seem more dangerous because of how they can totally mess your whole life up. Alcohol is something that most people will not say anything good about it. We also need to understand that all extremes are bad. Not enough of or too much of one thing. Too many drugs can cause you to be addicted to them and then you will probably be worse off than when you started. Not enough and you might have to get used to what you have for the rest of your life.
They say that the quality of life is more important that the quantity. Some people would rather abuse the use of drugs but live maybe pain free or numb their inner feelings so much that they are living like zombies. You might say that this is not a good quality of life that one is living and the only thing that I can say is that if you were to walk in their shoes or have their minds for just one day then maybe your opinions would change. Instead of running away from them you could just show just a little love, then maybe they wouldn’t have to use as much so that they would forget easier because they wouldn’t want to forget this gesture that you did to them.
Alcohol is a different story because in the first place it is not illegal and it is cheap. You can take just a little or drink the whole bottle. The sugar content can keep your body alive for many years even though it is continuously killing you from the inside out. Eventually if not handled properly it will win and you will lose. It can become your best friend and then turn to be your worst enemy without you being aware of it. It has been around for as long as man has had the capability of producing it and it will remain with us until there is nobody left to make it any more. It is not something that will go away and we must learn to live with the effects that it has in people’s lives. Al-Anon is a great group for family members to go to and give them some sort of relief that this disease is causing in their family. They try to teach the 3C’s which are: We didn’t cause it – it is not our fault that the other person drinks, it is their private battle. We can’t control it – we have no power over the other person’s desire to drink. We can’t cure it – it is an illness that cannot be cured through any known medical remedies.
I understand what the purpose of this program is all about and they are right that the family needs this type of support to be able to better understand what this disease can do to others. The one thing that I would add to these 3C’s is another one and that involves what maybe the one that is consuming alcohol needs to know about the ones that supposedly love him the most and that is that they truly CARE about them getting better.
I can’t tell you how to demonstrate this but once the family stops caring about their recovery even if this person has some other diseases then it is all downhill from there and you might as well start making the funeral arrangements and very soon.
- MY NAME IS …… I’M AN ……
To some when they hear someone say these words they have this feeling that they are looking at a person that has decided to turn their life around and start to mend the things that are broken and has decided to do what all of us think is right. To me these words meant that I was admitting to something that honestly I didn’t believe that I had become. This would mean that I was telling others that I was somebody that I didn’t feel that I was. This was not me. They say that once you are this then you will always be one, because one is not enough and two is too many.
Maybe I used something to treat some issues or problems that I had. Maybe I felt that I wasn’t being respected by those that I thought should have loved me the most. Maybe I felt inadequate about being able to do so many things for others and was looked up by all, but I needed more recognition in the place where it counted the most. People seem to want to attack something that they feel is not good for you without going to the underlining cause of why one started to use this. It could be any sort of drug that one feels that they need to take so that even though they know that it will not cure what they have or feel, at least it will help with the situation that one is going through for just a little while.
Nothing lasts forever as they say and even though one might decide to seek professional help and get the right treatment maybe for some it is the cure and for others they replace one problem with another. Regardless of which treatment is better for what I thought that I had, my solution was a simple one that most people in this world do. We all know what the end results will be but for some they could do this for many years and die of something else and for others it won’t take that long to accomplish what it ultimately wants to accomplish.
You need to die of something and in the meantime you have a new friend that will accompany you in these troubled times so that you don’t have to deal with this alone. The world looks upon us as some sort of animal that needs to be locked up or put away especially if they think that we don’t want to get cured. They have it all wrong because they want to kill the wrong enemy. They want to pull out the weeds that they see but are not interested in going all the way down into the roots.
Eventually the weed will grow back like nothing had happened. I am not putting the blame on anyone but most people in this world don’t want to take the time and just sit with someone and ask them “How are you doing?” They might say this with their lips but in reality they don’t really want to know. When the other person responds by just saying “Fine”, that is the end of the conversation. The other person could be dying from inside but they don’t want to share this with anyone so this is why they responded this way.
Offering somebody a can of soda or a sandwich which doesn’t cost much can then show this other person that they truly care about them and are willing to listen if they are willing to share their story with them. It doesn’t take much to accomplish a lot. If for God the worth of just one soul is great, then why aren’t we concerned about helping just one soul to feel a little bit better even if it is just for one moment?
Spending this one moment in your life could give this one soul the desire to live just one more day or put a smile on their face while they are eating their last meal.
- DON’T ATTACK ME, ATTACK WHAT MY SICKNESS HAS DONE TO ME
I wasn’t looking for it but when it found me the feeling was so relaxing. I didn’t just jump in the ocean but touched it with my foot to see how cold it was. It didn’t feel that cold so I kept putting my foot more and more in it. Finally the water was up to my waist and the undercurrent grabbed me and took me under. I tried to swim towards the shore but I realized that when my lungs were full of water I could still breathe through some other source. It was not the same as before and I couldn’t do many things that I was able to do when I was out of the water but gradually I got used to it and felt comfortable in this new place that I was in.
I knew that eventually I could die because it was not normal for a human being to be living under water because I was not a fish but in the meantime I would enjoy this new experience. I think that I have brought you to where I needed you to be to maybe try to understand the situation that I was in. We sometimes look at others that are maybe homeless or haven’t taken a shower for weeks and we try to attack them with thoughts and words trying to justify where we are at and what they have done to get them to where they are right now. We might think that they are just lazy and don’t want to work or better themselves. They might have a mental illness that has caused them to be this way. We, most of the time will attack them, and not the sickness that they have and that has made them be the way they are right now.
Now I am going to describe myself. I know that this is not the real me. People have gotten to know who I really am and this sickness has made me somebody that I don’t know who that person is. I am trying my best to get better but it has gotten a hold of me and it just doesn’t want to let go. It is willing to follow me to my grave and then finally it will let go of me so that I can be free again and be my usual self.
The problem will be is that I will have passed on and nobody will be able to see me again and even though they might feel my presence, it is not the same. You have gotten used to seeing me at my best and also right now I am at my worst. At least this is how you see me with your earthly eyes. Internally I may be more spiritual than I was before and might feel different about the things that I felt were important in my life. Nobody really knows this because I haven’t had the opportunity of telling anyone about how I truly feel on the inside.
Maybe I am a dollar short and a day late. Most of my friends and family are tired of seeing me this way and I am trying to reach out to them for help but this sickness doesn’t permit me to do this. I know that it will accompany me to my death. It doesn’t care because this is its purpose even though this is not mine. I might have had some terrible words coming out of my mouth and yes I do admit that it was my mouth and supposedly my decision but those that say this haven’t walked in my shoes for even a second. They haven’t been in my mind telling me what a looser I am or what I have lost and there is no way to come out of this.
Every day I have had to fight this battle that most will not be able to win. I have even asked God to take this away from me but it seems that He is not listening either. He knows when it is my time to go and how it will be like.
- LOVE THE PERSON, HATE THE ADDICTION
In reality we should try to solve the problem that caused this addiction. Pull a weed out by its leaves and not by the roots and it will come back probably faster than it did before because the roots are still supplying nutrients to this plant. We all know that we should love everyone because this is what we have been told to do and it makes sense. We might hate someone because of what our eyes see them doing but since we don’t know the whole story then we are judging unjustly. We can’t just judge someone by their actions but by what their intentions are and only God can do this.
I have heard people say this so many times and it does make some sense but in reality it doesn’t go as deep as it should. Regardless if you agree with me or not this is what we have been told to do. Now we can discuss a little bit more about hating the addiction. The world seems to be interested in attacking the symptoms and not the problems. We all know that the persons that are addicted to something are counting the days they have left instead of counting the ones that they have to live. The addiction will cause them to think about one thing and that is that they can’t survive one day without it. It is their main focus and without it they can’t function.
This addiction might be anything. Some might kill you sooner and some might take many years to do this. Some will not kill you because you might die of something else. A person is not born being addicted to something that is not good for you. Internally this person could still be the same one that we all got to know and love but the addiction is like a blanket that kind of hides them so that we might be able to recognize who they were. This blanket sometimes becomes attached to them so much that it can’t be taken completely off because it becomes a permanent part of their body.
Once they happen to die then the “real” spirit that was there all along is finally free to depart form this earthly body and go to where it was intended to go to. We seem to look at people that have these addictions and call them names. Spice boys, heroin addicts, crack heads, alcoholics, drug addicts, pill poppers and other names that make them look like they are people that we should not associate with. They should all be locked up like some were in the past so that we don’t have to be made aware that they exist.
Since they are just their waiting to die and are not productive in doing anything good, then they should be shipped off to someplace so that they won’t bother the rest of the people that are doing something in this world. If people would only know what some of these people have had to go through in this life to get where they are today, then they would forever have to keep their mouths shut about them. Some have gone through a living hell during their whole lives and are still barely alive walking around like zombies. They can still feel pain and laugh at a good joke and smile when one looks at them in the eye and shows a little compassion towards them. Looking into their weather beaten eyes one can still see this soul trying to survive.
Who knows what their real problems and issues are and why they are trying to forget or numb their pain with this addiction? Trying to take away their addiction is like leaving them naked in freezing weather. Helping them cope with the issues and problems that caused this addiction and one might have a chance that they might decide to choose something else to forget and numb the pain.
Feeling this love from you, caring about their needs, hugging them or shaking their hands, patting them on the back and assuring them that everything will be okay, offering to buy them some food, giving them a drink, offering them your friendship or buy them some clothes and they might start to not need this addition to help them anymore with what they were trying to do before.
- ALL OF YOU WANTED TO ATTACK MY NEW FRIEND
I need to explain a little bit more about this new friend that came to my rescue when I needed him the most. You might be thinking that in reality he was not a friend but my enemy that would eventually lead me to my death. I must disagree with this conclusion. I need to tell you my side of the story.
The reason why I called him my friend is because he was always there for me. I could count on him being there when I needed him the most. I know what you are thinking but stay with me on this. My new friend was not the problem because I used him to help numb me from my real problems. He supplied me with what I needed. I needed a break from my other problems. Some say that I had low self-esteem but it was not this that led to my searching for this new friend but the lack of attention that I was receiving from my closest friends. Maybe I was unhappy with my relationship with someone which probably caused me to be depressed because I didn’t know how to have a better relationship with this person.
There always needs to be a two way street while in a relationship with someone else and one sometimes just keeps taking the abuse wishing that maybe something will change and when it doesn’t then one becomes depressed. It is not easy just to call it quits and go find someone else. You give up ten problems that you might be having with this person and have to deal with 10 new ones that somebody else might have. This life is not a walk in the park for most of us that are struggling to get along with everyone. Some will use and suck everything out of you and then leave you out to dry without even taking the time to look back and see how they left you.
There are thousands of different reasons why maybe one becomes depressed, not happy or not content with their current situation. When there seems to be no solution in sight then one maybe can go out looking for a new friend that nobody needs to know about. One that can be hidden out of sight for a while and nobody would have to know. Once in a while one could go and visit him and receive what he has to offer anytime. The feeling of him comforting your ailments is so bliss that one wants to keep coming back to him as often as one can.
In reality there is nothing wrong with this because you seem to have a problem and he has the solution even though it might be temporary. One goes and sees a doctor when one doesn’t feel good and they prescribe some medicine that should cure you and make you feel better. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. When you can have a doctor in the house, don’t have to pay much for the visit and you don’t need a prescription to make you feel a little better then why not use this service? I just couldn’t understand why anyone would want to keep attacking my new friend and always trying to get rid of him thinking that this would cure my sickness. I would just go out and get another pill.
What I needed most was to have my real problem cured but nobody seemed interested in finding out what was really going on in my life, or what triggered my search for this new friend. They tried to blame everything on him and he was innocent because I went looking for him and not the other way around.
Too late because now I have found a true friend that was always there for me but didn’t know it and He will never abandon me ever because He truly loves me for who I really am and not what I was trying to be.
- YOU COULD SEE THE SICKNESS THAT I HAD
You saw something that I couldn’t see. I looked and looked and still I could not see what you saw. I didn’t know why because I had eyes like everyone else. I could see clearly sometimes and saw in the mirror that I was still the person that I was for many years. A lot more white hair here and there but that is all. Sometimes I would gain a little weight and other times I would lose some. No big deal because we all go through those phases in our lives as we get older. I still recognized my voice and I seemed to have all of the body parts in the right place. I just didn’t understand why some people were treating me different.
Some wanted to avoid me altogether and others gradually stopped caring about sending me a text and just calling me on the phone to see how I was. I think that many times they told me something about a sickness that I seemed to have some wanted to avoid me altogether and others gradually but they must have been talking about someone else because I didn’t have a fever and my color of skin was just fine. I still treated people the way I had treated them before and maybe sometimes I said some words that I don’t know why I said them because I would repent later, but it was too late to take them back.
Maybe the sickness that I had was deep inside and I needed a surgeon to take it out. I looked in my mouth sometimes to see if maybe I could see something stuck in there and sometimes I would choke and not do it again because I didn’t want to vomit something. Sometimes some of the people that I loved the most would tell me to stop doing something that I thought they must have been a little crazy because I stopped doing this a long time ago. Maybe once in a while when I felt like it I would take a pill here and there but just a little pill. I would take a very small one and okay maybe sometimes I would two but that was it. This helped me to cope with some issues that I don’t know where they came from. Maybe I picked them up along the way on some of my many trips that I made to a lot of places in this country. Maybe it was a bug that was in something that I had eaten on the plane or in some restaurant.
I didn’t dare ask my friends what they were seeing in me that made them think that I was sick because they were not doctors and I felt just fine. I maybe lost a couple of good jobs here and there and it was just simply because I may be forgot to do some important things, but nobody has a perfect memory I functioned just fine even though sometimes I needed the help of my new friend to make it through the day. It is incredible how one can find a true friend when one is not looking for one. One that doesn’t talk back to you and it will always numb any pain that one has. It is a cure for all ailments. Just a little would go a long way and it was a miracle drug that I started to become closer to it. It was always there for me 24/7 and it never cancelled an appointment. I could always count on it being there when I needed it.
A true friend indeed because false friends will flake out on you and true friends will remain. It was always there for me whenever I needed it. I think that somebody warned me about it but what do they know because when I tried calling them to come to my help they never showed up and I would always get the answering machine.
My friend that lived with me would always answer my call.
- WHO I REALLY WAS NEVER CHANGED REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU SAW
The most interesting thing that I have been able to observe now that I am here is when I see mothers and fathers taking their kids with them to places even though they might have some earthly defect that I was not being invited to go. I have seen some throw tantrums where they would even hit the parents and they would just kindly take this child and leave the store and wait until they got over it and then come back in and continue like nothing had happened.
They had gotten to a point that they needed to accept what was happening as something that this child was not aware of what it was doing was wrong. Maybe in the beginning they had to learn how to handle this situation and now they have gotten used to it. They accepted this child for who they were inside and not how they were being seen on the outside. They found this peace to know that it was not their fault that this happened to them in this life and they either must accept it or accept it. For me it was different because I was not a person that would make a scene in front of other people. Even when I had to go and talk to my kids about what they had done wrong, I would take them to another place and talk to them, even though sometimes the right words didn’t come out of my mouth.
I tried my best with the situation that was presented to me, the one thing that I didn’t want to do is to chew them out more than they had already been chewed out. I admit now that I have done some pretty dumb things and have made my family feel ashamed of me for my actions. I was just trying to cope with too many things and the least that I was concerned about was how other people saw me. I never really much cared about what opinion others had of me.
I tried to do my best and if they liked it then that was fine and if not tough luck. I needed to live my life and not the one that others wanted me to live. Everybody has issues in this life and I didn’t want others to be concerned about mine because I knew that I was capable of handling them on my own. I am the only one to take the blame if I did it wrong or right, because this is my life. You might think that I am selfish but in reality I am not.
Nobody can truly feel what I had felt while this was going on. Nobody knows how I spent nights just looking at the ceiling and wondering when this was all going to end and how it was going to end. The only thing that I would ask is that I wouldn’t harm anyone else when this did happen. My wish did come true. I was being invited less and less to places where my family would go. I was being secluded more and more which caused me to seek my new friend more and more. Instead of making me feel like I was still part of this family I was being locked up more and more. I was being pushed into a corner so that I could handle this situation by myself.
Finally I was asked to leave the house so that I could be on my own to see if I would snap out of it. They didn’t know how to handle this situation and sometimes they say that out of sight out of mind is what had happened to me. They used to lock up people that acted inappropriately in front of other people.
I still think that they didn’t know how to handle me and so they decided that this was the best way to deal with this situation that I apparently was the only one responsible for having done this to myself.
- I AM NOT DEAD YET
Sometimes there are worse things that can happen to someone than death itself. One can get sick and they might get in an accident and have their lives changed 180 degrees in just a blink of an eye. When death comes it is something final. One minute you are here living on this earth and the next you are someplace else. All pain will be gone and a new life awaits you in this world that hasn’t been too far away from the one that you left behind. They say that when somebody is dying a slow death then it is more painful than when all of a sudden you just quit living. They also say that the best way to go is while you are sleeping.
I don’t want to discuss any more ways of dying but I will try to describe the worst way of dying. At least this is what I think it is and I tell it from a personal view point. There are people living in this world that others don’t give them the time of day. If they were to die right there and then, they would just be dumped into a garbage can, and the next day the collector would come and haul them away. This is sad but this is also true. There are people alive today that feel that they are dead. Nobody even wants to look at them. They go around doing their own business like they don’t even exist. Nobody talks to them or gives them just one minute of their precious time. They are alive on the outside but dead on the inside. Their spirit is almost dead because the world considers them to be non-existent and a pain in the butt. Even though they sleep in the worst places and eat the worst food and don’t take care of their bodies they live more years than others that do just the opposite.
Most have very little money and what you see is what their earthly belongings are. You can spot these people a mile away but there are those that you can’t. Those that drive fancy cars and live in luxurious homes and make quite a bit of money but some of their loved ones treat them like they are dead. They do talk to them but nobody seems to want to listen to what they have to say. They are being used by others either for their money or their knowledge or their status but they are not being treated as a person. They are not being respected or admired or even given the attention they so desperately seek and there is nothing they can do about it. Nobody cares about their feelings and as long as they just stay quiet in the corner until it is their turn to talk then everything will go smoothly.
Inside, this person is screaming to the others that they are not dead yet but they are being treated as if they are. Sometimes it might become so unbearable that they decide to do something about it and make this happen quicker so that everyone will once and for all be happy with the way they treated this person. Then they look at each other and point fingers to see who was to blame for what just happened and they forget to look in the mirror and see who the one that is guilty of this act is. Some might realize what their actions have caused others to do and others will just continue to think about the only person important to them. How sad that sometimes people are crying out just to be recognized for whom they are and they don’t receive any recognition back from the ones that supposedly were supposed to love them the most.
Eventually how we treat people will be the way they will end up passing on. Even though they are shouting that they are not dead yet, eventually they will be.
- WHAT DID I DO WRONG TO DESERVE BEING TREATED THIS WAY BY THE ONES THAT LOVED ME
I guess it is my turn to tell my side of the story since nobody else will. This was the question that I asked myself many times during these last few years and nobody seemed to be able to give me an answer that would satisfy my need to know the truth. I was starting to get on my feet again and was paying my share of what I supposedly was required to pay to help my family keep the lifestyle that they were used to having when things were going better for us.
We were able to maintain the things that we had worked so hard to acquire and even though I was living someplace else I was at least out of the picture most of the time so that my family could breathe and maybe things would go back to normal if only one was given just one more chance to make a change. I was still able to participate in many things with my children and even though I felt that gradually I was being pushed out quicker than I wanted to, I felt that this maybe was best for them. I needed to take care of myself first and then things would have a better chance of returning back to normal so this was my main goal. It was going to be a difficult task because this was something new to me and it didn’t come with a set of instructions on how to do this. I played it by ear and took one day at a time. I tried to take care of myself better and even tried to go and participate in some classes to see if maybe they could help me but this didn’t work either.
I wanted to get better but I didn’t know how. All my friends gave me all sorts of advice but they didn’t know what I was feeling deep inside and I didn’t want to share with them my deepest fears. I cried out many times that I just wanted things to be like they were before all of this happened to me. I just wanted to return to the good old days and live the rest of my life like I had always dreamed of doing. I just wanted to relax and enjoy all of the sacrifices that my family had to go through to get us to where we were at in those days. I wanted to live the American dream and I had lived some of it but it kind of slipped through my hands and I didn’t know where it had gone to.
I was being pushed further and further out and I wasn’t even welcomed anymore in my own house. I was given many excuses of why I could not go there anymore and each time I returned to my new place I cried and cried and wanted to die but this didn’t happen for many nights. I just wanted my family to visit me where I was at. Bring me something to cheer me up. Hug me and tell me that they still loved me regardless of maybe how I looked or acted. I wanted them to look into my eyes and see the “real” me and realize that I was still that same person deep inside. I wanted to be forgiven for what I had done to all. I wanted to be respected by the ones that supposedly loved me for who I was, and not for who I had become. I wanted them to pray for a miracle but still do their part.
I am so ever grateful for the little things that they still did for me even though I was being a pain for them. They tried their best and it was not enough. They brought a smile to my face every time I was allowed to see them. I wanted to say so many words and never wanted the time I had with them to end but there must come an end to everything and it did.
I am having a sad feeling come over me but I know that this is because my Lord is permitting me to feel this just for a brief moment. Sorry for this.
- I WISH I WOULD HAVE BEEN TOLD THE TRUTH
I know that now I can say this but maybe when I was still living on this earth I was not prepared to hear the truth. Maybe somebody tried telling me the truth and I was not in the condition to hear it. Instead of continuously doing things behind my back, and having to find out through other means what was really going on, one could have just told it to me straight instead of beating around the bush. At least one could feel comfortable that one did what one thought was the right thing to do. Now it is too late because I know the whole truth and there is nothing that I have not been told.
It is not so that I can know the secrets of others but only the ones that pertained to me and how they affected my quality of life when I would find out the truth. It seemed that I was a balloon that was being stabbed with a needles one at a time so that the balloon would not burst but once the needle was in there a little bit of air would flow out and even though I tried to inflate it several times the air would eventually flow out and the balloon would not be good for anything. This is how my life was gradually coming to an end during my last days and it seemed that even my new friend could not calm down the pain that I was feeling.
Towards the end I began to think that everything that I was being told by the ones that supposedly truly loved me was not the truth. I felt that I was left with only a few friends that I could feel confident that they were not out there to try to bring an end to me sooner. It is sad to say this because maybe this was not the case but this is how I felt and there was nobody out there that could get this out of my mind. I tried to convince myself that this was not true but as I looked around at where I was living and what kind of life I had and who was around me, this pretty much convinced me that I was right. I had no one to just go out and just talk with someone during lunch or dinner. I was just totally being isolated from everyone.
Sometimes a little glimpse of some sunshine would pop up in the middle of the storm but each time it got smaller and smaller and it didn’t last as long as before. I decided to give it one more try and see if in reality I could pick up some of the pieces and be satisfied with only having a partial jig saw puzzle but my time was running out and I didn’t know it until it was too late to try to build something again. One could say that maybe if I would have started to do this a little sooner then maybe my life would not have ended this way. I didn’t know when it was going to be my last anything. I thought that I was going to live to a ripe old age because I had a lot to live for even though each day I was losing something.
I thought that since I used to be on top of the world that this time it would be much easier to climb that mountain again. I always thought that I could do it again but never got down to just starting to do it one step at a time. It seemed that each time I tried, I lost more than I gained but I still wanted to try someday to see if this was at all possible. I have no regrets but I feel that I deserved to be told the truth so that I could be more at ease knowing what I had to deal with. Now those that remain will have to live with these thoughts but they can still do something about it and just move forward and learn from this experience of mine. I forgive them but the most important thing is if they forgive themselves for not having told me some more of the truth.
- NOBODY CARED ABOUT HOW I WOULD FEEL
I knew that I needed a change in my life. I could not live the same way I had for many years. I was the trouble maker. I had changed. People felt uncomfortable when they were around me. I tried to fit right in but they saw something in me that made them feel uncomfortable. I thought that I was the same person that I had always been. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the same person that I had seen all of these years. Maybe with a lot of gray hair here and there but not much. I had gained a little weight but who doesn’t when one’s life changes with the way they are taking care of themselves.
It seemed that arguments and accusations started to be a common thing in my house. There seemed to be always something to argue about and I was being accused of having started all of this. When I tried to put my two bits in I would get chewed out and then I would just go away defeated and find my new friend and together we would come to this place where all problems seemed to vanish and the feeling felt so bliss and then I would return to where I had come from and all was well in dreamland. We reached a point that it was better that I leave so that some sort of peace could return to this place.
I didn’t want to be the one that was always being accused of something so it was time for me to leave so that I could deal with my problems and issues by myself. Even though I really didn’t want to do this, and what this would do to my self-esteem, but I still knew deep inside that this was the best thing for my family. I still wanted to come back once in a while to do some things in the house so that they would know that I had not left permanently.
I still wanted them to know that even though I was trying my best to handle this situation that maybe just maybe I was not going to be able to defeat this new so-called enemy. I didn’t consider this possibility but it seems that everyone else did. I tried to live as much of a normal life that I could on my own but it was too much for me to handle. I wanted to cry out for help but I knew that nobody wanted to come to my rescue. They were tired of my screaming wolf and there was none.
Sometimes I did this on purpose just to see how others would respond. In the end when I would cry wolf nobody seemed to care if it was really there or not. I would text all of the time. Write some of the dumbest words that anybody could write. I didn’t mean most of them but this is what I wrote and I have to stand behind them and not find any excuses. I was told: “quit bothering me,” I am tired, “why don’t you just go away.” This hit the spot and I realized that nobody cared about how I was feeling. Nobody cared about how I felt when I had to leave the house. Nobody cared about what I was eating or how I was sleeping or how I would cry myself to sleep night after night. Nobody cared anymore how I was going to come out of this in one piece. Nobody cared if was alive or dead. Nobody cared if this was going to be my last meal, my last phone call, text, my last night or my last anything. I had burned most all of my bridges and I had nothing left to re-build them with.
My last curtain call was coming and I just felt this, but I was not sure. I was being pushed out to make room for someone else to come in. My Lord saw this and He knew this was going to happen and my day was approaching very quickly when all of this pain would go away once and for all.
This is why as I laid me down to sleep I decided to leave everything nice and neat.
- THE MORE YOU LOVE SOMEONE THE MORE YOU NEED TO LET THEM BE WHO THEY REALLY ARE
Believe it or not this is a true statement. When I was at the top of my career I could have chosen to keep climbing higher and higher but I felt that I was comfortable where I was at. I was making a ton of money but I could have made much more. I loved the people that I was working with and if it was for me I would have continued to do this for my whole life. I loved to serve others and this was a perfect job to be able to do this.
Unlike others that this kind of job would have gone to their heads I was not interested in that. Maybe this is why I was liked so much for demonstrating my real self to them and not just my professional side. When I started to have this issue of mine becoming more and more of a problem I was still given the opportunity to try to beat this on my own. I was given chances that others would have just given up on me and thrown me to the dogs. They understood what I was going through and they tried to help me win this battle that I alone could win.
This faith and hope that they had in me made me want to try harder to not let them down. I wanted to prove to them that I was going to go back to being my old self again if they would just give me one more chance. They didn’t just give me one but many chances and were very patient with me and for this I will be forever thankful for their kindness and concern about my well-being. Sometimes I just wanted to go away and just live a simple life and this way I could concentrate more on what maybe I needed to do to conquer this enemy. I couldn’t do that because the obligations that I had to my family required me to keep doing things so that they would not have to suffer the consequences of my not being there to support their needs. I would have preferred to lose everything and start all over again but my family was already suffering enough by what I was having them go through and I didn’t want to make things worse for them. I didn’t want them to change their lifestyle because of what I was not able to supply. I didn’t want to be a nuisance to anyone and just wanted to handle this by myself.
When asked to leave, I did, even though this was going to break my heart but I knew that this was the best thing for them. I expected to be able to continue being a parent to them and having them wanting me to be by their side more but gradually I was being left out of many things and this made me suffer more than before. I tried not to show this to them because I knew that this would hurt them more and just tried to go along with what they were willing to give to me.
I was on a spiral downfall because the more I truly wanted to do something different with my life the more it seemed that I was obligated to do what I didn’t want to do. I had the capability to do those things but I wanted to concentrate on getting better so that I could come back riding on a white horse and show everyone that the faith and hope that they had in me accomplished its purpose. Things didn’t work out this way and I don’t think that they didn’t love me enough but maybe they were kind of giving up on me that I would not make it.
Nobody really asked me what I wanted to do with my life but I probably scared them away thinking that I was already lost and I wasn’t, because deep inside I had not changed who I really was but each day it was harder to find my true self.
- I KNEW THE REAL YOU
I helped you become who you thought you wanted to be. You also helped me become who I thought I wanted to be. Together we helped each other and as a team we accomplished a lot of things and as a family we were going to correct some of the things that we felt our parents should have done different with their children. We were a beautiful couple and when people saw us together this is exactly what they were thinking. Some might have been jealous because of our young age and what we had both accomplished in this life. We were also the perfect match because you helped me in what I needed help with and I tried to do the same for you. We knew each other’s weak and strong points. We were learning new things together and not each doing their own thing. I truly thought that I knew the “real” you and you knew the “real” me. We didn’t need to put on an act for each other and we didn’t need to act “fake”.
This is what made me proud of you because I could turn my back on you and felt confident that you would be there to protect me and not stab me in the back. I felt this special love that you had for me even though maybe sometimes we didn’t show this in front of people. As they saw us together they just knew that it was there and not just for them to see. We had to deal with people that sometimes didn’t show who they really were but we tried to stick together and not be like them even though we had to associate with them.
Deep inside they were just like us but they needed to show the world something that maybe they didn’t feel comfortable doing. We also knew the “real” them but we were more concerned about ourselves and how we acted towards each other. When this situation happened to me in my life because of some other issues or problems, then we started to stop seeing the “real” us. Maybe the “real” me was being covered up more quickly than yours but deep inside I had not changed. Each time it was getting more difficult to bring the “real” me back to the surface and I tried my best but sometimes it was not enough.
You started to change also and what I was beginning to see was not something that I felt comfortable with. You were trying your best to not change but I was bringing you deeper and deeper into my pit. Lately during these last couple of years I didn’t recognize who you were becoming because for sure you didn’t know who I was either. We became strangers in the night and even though we knew why, I can say that we can’t just blame one person for what happened between us. This new person that came into your life doesn’t know the “real” me and only sees what I had become.
He judged who I was by what he heard about me and not because of what he truly knew about me. You knew the real me and not him. He made his decisions based on what he didn’t know about me. This goes to show who he “really” is because he didn’t want to get to know the “real” me that was not that deep under the surface. He could have looked beyond my actions and have taken the time to see if he could have been useful to do his part to maybe try to make my last few years less miserable. He could have reached out but it is too late now and he can still do this for my family if he truly wants the best for them and not just for himself. He was my best friend and he betrayed me.
I now know the “real” you and the “real” him and I am glad that finally I am the “real” me again.had
- I LOVED YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW
There is a saying that says that sometimes one is a dollar short and a day late. This means that when opportunity comes knocking that sometimes we don’t have enough money to buy what it brings. Sometimes when we finally get this money, and the opportunity went knocking on someone else’s door. I had so many opportunities to tell my children how much I truly loved them and even though I said that I was proud of them, maybe I forgot the magical word, and it didn’t come out when it should have come out. The few times that I might have said it wasn’t enough to truly show them how much I loved them.
I should have done that more often because time is short and then those words will never come out of my mouth any more. I did show them through actions and also trying to give them everything that they needed to live comfortable on this earth but still this word should have come out of my mouth more often. The trouble is that nowadays we do so many things by just texting and we don’t take the time to just look them in the eye and say these words. We sort of just throw them in the air like saying “bye” or “hello” and this is sad, because now that I want to say them every second, and I can’t.
Telling them that one truly loves them is making them aware that there are certain things in this life that are still free and that these words have a lot of meaning if they are said with sincerity. My children will now have the opportunity of knowing how much I truly loved and will continue to love them forever because I am here for them even though they don’t see me. I am protecting and guiding them and making sure that hopefully they will never forget what I have done for them and I am planning with God’s help to continue to do this for them.
I also want to tell my wife the same things that I have just mentioned to my children. I maybe haven’t said enough times how much I truly loved and will continue to love you. The love that I have felt for you since the beginning kept growing even though I might not have demonstrated this to you more often. The admiration that I had for you and will still have is something that I still don’t know why this is so. You had many faults and I tried to live with them just like I had but there seemed to be this magic that we could put those behind and be with each other to solve any problems that would come our way.
Even this last problem that tore us apart was something that I thought that you could help me conquer. You tried your best and I stretched your patience to the limit, but you still kept having faith in me. You sought help to try to understand more what I was going through. Others would have just thrown in the towel and taken the money and split. You didn’t do this.
I tried to help you cope with this by going on my own so that you could be more at peace but I still kept hounding you. I wasn’t doing all of these things because I stopped loving you but because I loved you too much to just give up on what we had going. I was willing to fight to the end to try to save what there was worth saving. I wanted to pick up the pieces and start to build what relationship was left between us. I wanted my love to compensate for the lack of love that you were starting to have for me. I thought that my love would be sufficient to cover yours and mine.
You know how much you loved me but what matters most is how much I truly loved you.
- WHEN DID I STOP LOVING YOU? NEVER
You might be thinking that this is not true. They say that actions speak louder than words but in this case I was not totally responsible for my actions. This is not an excuse because it doesn’t matter now because of where I am at. I don’t have any reasons to lie anymore because I am only surrounded with truth and love and there is no room for anything else to dwell here. Pure love and pure truth and these are all we need to be able to be free and be at peace. I loved you from the first time we met and it wasn’t just for your outer looks but how you were inside that made me love you more than I had ever loved in my life. You helped me become who I really wanted to be and I likewise helped you and together we started to form a family.
All families have issues to resolve but I tried to let you be who you wanted to be and I think that you let me be who I thought I wanted to be also. You brought the best out of me and I tried to provide for you whatever you felt that you needed to help with the issues that you had. We helped each other achieve our full potential and not just “every man for himself” type of philosophy. We travelled the world and met the most wonderful and humble people of this world but when the show was over it was just you and me to try to reach this middle point in which we both felt comfortable with each other. Others thought that I was rough and tough but you had a way of knowing how to soften me up.
In reality I always knew that you were the strongest and I relied on you for almost everything from organizing my clothes to other important things that I didn’t have the time to do. Maybe I didn’t know how to fix a leaky faucet but if I set my mind to it, I could take you to the moon and back in a blink of an eye if you would have asked me to. Deep inside I was still me and very few people were able to see this “real” me. A friend of mine was able to see this in me a lot of times because he also truly loved me for who I really was and not who I represented. My love for you will never end even though I can’t be with you for a while.
Maybe in these last couple of years I had made your life a living hell. I just want to make something clear, and that I am not giving any more excuses, and you tried to understand me more than anyone else, and didn’t give up on me, but it was not me that was yelling at you. It was not me that was calling you every name in the book. It was not me that made your life miserable. Yes, it was me that made you just want to give up and go and search an easier way to handle this situation without me. Yes, it was me that made you want to wish that I would just go away and get out of your life. Yes, it was the way that I treated you towards the end that made me maybe lose your love for me. Now I am who I was before all of this happened to me and the love that I had and will always have for you has returned in its purest form.
Because of this love that I still have for you I do wish that you can have that smile return to your face that I fell in love with and that you can truly be at peace again remembering that love never ends. It might go through different phases but once one has it, one can’t get rid of it regardless of what happens there on this earth. I will never leave your side protecting you and guiding you to do what is best for all in your life so that someday I will come and welcome you to where I am right now and start to heal your wounds just like mine have gotten healed.
I loved you so much that I would have given my life for you and I did. Until that day……..
- WHEN DID YOU START TO LOVE ME LESS?
This is a question that can be directed towards two people at the same time. I will start with myself first. I think that when I was 100% myself I honestly never stopped loving you less. Even though in a relationship people seem to grow apart sometimes, there still could exist this love that keeps them together in some ways. Maybe not together like Siamese twins but close enough so that one feels that one is still in a partnership and over time certain things can be ironed out.
I might have lost my patience sometimes and that is normal in a true relationship. I might have not shown with actions how much I loved you and sometimes the excuse that I would have would be because of the work load and responsibilities of my new job. Maybe over time, I lost the romantic touch which most of the time I was not an expert at it, and it was you that brought this out of me when I needed to look inside myself and realize that I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing. You brought the best out of me and for that I will forever be grateful. I am not saying this so that I am looking good and now it is my time to make you look bad. I am in a place that I can’t have those feelings anymore because they were left behind with my earthly body when I moved on.
The only reason why I am mentioning this is so that it is time for me to put some things on the table, and admit my faults, and even though I can’t correct them right now and promise you to be better. I can still do something about demonstrating to you how much I loved you and still love you. I won’t be able to do this with words and actions that you might be able to see but you will know. You will know that I am still here and have not gone any place and I am closer to you now than you could ever imagine even though I am in a different place than you are. If I ever think of a good word to describe where I am then I will let you know.
I will protect you and care for you and make sure that when you need my help that I will always be with you and the rest of my family. You might not be able to see me but you will feel my presence even though you might not want to. I really don’t want to ask you the question about when you started to love me less because I already received this knowledge when I arrived here. It came directly from the source of all truth. I guess what matters most is how much I loved you and not how much you loved me back.
This is what is most important for anyone to know about how somebody else really feels about another person. In this place I don’t have to look my best because they all know what my best is and it is not about me but about others and how they feel. Someday you will know this and what matters most right now, is for you to do the right thing, because it is not I that am watching but somebody else is. There is no hiding from Him, and He knows what you are going through and sorry to say what you will be going through in the coming years and I will just say that I will be there for you whether you like it or not. This time I can’t just be sent off to another place so that I can’t bother other people like I did when I was alive. This time I can go wherever I want to go and be with whomever I want to be and nobody can stop me from doing this because my Lord is giving me permission to do this and He gets what He wants whether we like it or not. Not because He has all the power, but because of the love He has for each and every one of us.
Please remember this always.
- WHEN DID YOU START TO HATE ME?
I don’t know if the word “hate” is the right word, but I just threw this in because it was the first thing that came to me. I once heard someone say that there is a very fine line between love and hate. Maybe they were referring to peace and war? The only thing that I know is that it seemed that I was living a fairy tale marriage and I could feel that love was all around. I could be myself and she could be herself. I wanted the best for her and she wanted the same for me. We supported each other and when others saw us together they probably thought that we were the perfect couple. I thought that we were because I had never been married before and when I looked at her my eyes I shined with joy knowing that she had accepted to be my wife. I think that she must have felt the same way when she looked at me but this is something that we don’t really know. I only knew what I felt but only God can truly know what everybody really feels.
Maybe my feelings were not out of love but out of having this wonderful feeling that I married a beautiful woman but not just what I could see with my eyes but what I could feel with my soul. Maybe this is not really called love and it was something else. Even though hopefully some of us have never had to experience when you definitely know that somebody hates you, in reality we might run into this more often than we really want to. By the way they avoid even looking at you, and the words that come out of their mouths with such power that they think that you will just fall backwards and lay there on the floor feeling defeated. I think that nobody ever says these words with a soft gentle voice that most would love to hear from another human being. They might not even say anything but ignoring you and making you think that you don’t even exist may be worse that saying all of these words.
I never liked it when people raised their voice to get their point across. It seemed to make my insides shut down and my ears wanting to turn themselves off, but this would not happen. I would sometimes respond doing the same things and then I felt terrible because this was not the way I truly was and somebody else made me react this way. I am not excusing my actions because I was not perfect and nobody is, but I never wanted to resolve some issues having a shouting match. Sorry to say but towards the end I did use this strategy more and more and it never got me the same results that maybe it did for others. Instead of winning the battle, I was scaring others away and it could be because they saw another side of me that they began to fear.
I wanted so much to let them know that this was not the real me and that deep inside I was crying out for help but didn’t know how to do it. I knew the “real” me and I tried to show it all of the time but the pain was getting to be too much to handle it by myself and I wanted others to also feel what I was feeling but this backfired. I now know that I needed to handle this differently but now it is too late to go back and change anything. Maybe a better title for this chapter is “When did I start to hate you?” I can truthfully answer this question with just one word, never.
I am still sorry for all the nasty words that came out of my mouth and for the hurt that they might have caused others to feel because with sincerity it was not my intention to do this to anyone, especially to the ones that I loved the most.
- I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT
Whether you believe me or not this is truly what I want for you. I want you to be truly happy even though I am not with you in body. This is all I ever wanted you to be. I thought that I could make this happen again with me by your side. I never lost hope and until my very last day I sincerely wished that this would happen. The reason being is that this would have made me happy and I knew that if I could make you happy again that you would do the same to me. I was kind of selfish but this seemed to work before when things were different between you and me. I trusted you with my life and this is why when I would let you handle the affairs of my business I knew that you would do it better than I.
When you would make plans to travel someplace, I knew that you would cover all of the bases and not leave any stone unturned. I also knew that this would make you happy that you were able to do this and pull it off without a hitch. I loved it when you decided to do something for yourself and when I saw that smile on your face my heart melted and you had me wrapped around your finger. I didn’t care about what you spent the money on as long as I would get back some pocket change so that I could go out and buy something for me. You were my hero, the one that I could always look up to and the one that I could trust and feel comfortable around because you were always you and didn’t care what others thought of your actions. You were independent just like me and we made a perfect couple and together we could have conquered the world to make it better. You had a beautiful heart for those that had less and you were able to also mingle with those that were very well off. You could adapt to behave appropriately at whatever event we had to go to.
Well sometimes maybe not that appropriate but still people loved you for your honesty and outgoing personality. Your smile melted rocks and the way you looked when you went all out would make any man jealous of me. Your inner spirit is what shined through and not just your outer appearance. You had a complete package that made everyone turn around when you walked into the room. I was proud and thankful to call you my wife. You were always one to fight for what you thought was right. You wanted to always stand up for those that were being abused and mistreated. The ones less fortunate than us, and the ones that the world seemed to have forgotten about. You wanted to be another Mother Teresa or Princess Diane someday.
Now I have left you alone to deal with our children that are already adults, and in our house that is not the same as it was before this happened to me. Even though I was not there during these last few years and you know why this was, still I was around to remind you that I hadn’t left yet. Now you don’t have to worry about it because I will not be parked in the driveway waiting to see you one last time. I won’t come over and pick up or drop off the kids anymore. Others will have to do those things to help out. You won’t be receiving any more text from me and have to respond to my ridiculous messages that I would leave on your phone.
All of this is over now and I am in another place that I can’t do this anymore. Still I will continue to be by your side trying to make you feel happy and making sure that you are doing the right thing.
- I NEEDED A REASON WHY I NEEDED TO STOP DOING WHAT I WAS DOING
I can now recall how many times everyone would repeat the same words to me. Stop doing what you are doing and think about getting better, and then concentrate on solving the other problems in your life. I truly appreciate what each one of you has done for me but you didn’t understand what I was going through. You tried to base your observation on what you physically saw me do with my body. You couldn’t see what was going on inside of me. I don’t even think that the professionals that I saw were able to see inside of me either.
It could be that I didn’t tell them the whole truth so they based their conclusion on what I told them about my life and the things that happened to me. It was not their fault but mine. The way I was handling these inner issues was not the best way to do this, but I just wanted to try to do this on my own. Maybe when others tried to help me it was too late for this. I don’t know but still I do want to give my thanks to all that were concerned about me getting better. They had seen how I really was and couldn’t understand how a person like me could act like this. They saw the problem and wanted to attack this head on. They didn’t know about the other problems that were hiding underneath what they saw.
I also needed a reason of why I should stop doing what I was doing. I wasn’t doing any harm to anybody. I just wanted to be in my own little world so that I could deal with my problems my way. It wasn’t to feed my ego like most of you thought that I had. I honestly thought that I could handle this myself. I know that you all meant well but your way of approaching this was not the right way. I don’t even know what the right way would have been. My destiny papers were already signed and regardless of what everyone would have done when my time came I had to leave.
What should have mattered most was the way I was treated towards the end. The pain and suffering that I had to go through knowing that all seemed well with everyone else’s lives but mine. That my family was moving on without me and there was nothing that I could do to change that. Everybody told me to stop doing this and then things would go back to the way it was before all of this happened. They tried to fool me but I wasn’t this stupid because I knew that this was not going to happen. Too much water had flowed under the bridge and things were not going to go back to the way it was before even if I would have miraculously stopped doing what I was doing.
My relationship with the person that I had loved the most during my life was not the same. There were too many holes to patch up and I was willing to do this regardless of however long it would take but it takes two to tango. This is what I wanted most to recuperate and I knew deep inside that I was not going to be able to do this. This was no longer just a two way tug of war but it started to turn out to be a three way tug. I just didn’t have to just deal with one problem but with two problems. There is so much that I could have done and the rest depended on the other person and maybe I was a dollar short and a day late but this caused me to lose my reason of why I needed to stop doing what I was doing.
I had lost what I most treasured in my life and there was not turning back the hands of the clock because it was too late to do anything about this.
- TO START THE HEALING PROCESS ONE MUST FORGIVE AND HELP THEM BECOME BETTER THAN BEFORE
I think that this advice was given to me at the very beginning after arriving at this new place. I was all beat up and had so many scars and wounds on my body that I thought that they would take forever to heal. I was surprised what the love that others pour on to you can do to make this healing process heal much quicker. I was taught that I needed to forgive what others did to me even though maybe some of the things were done on purpose or not. Maybe some without knowing it hurt me more than they thought they did. Maybe they thought that they were doing this for my own good and didn’t know any better of how to handle my situation. Regardless of what they did to me that I thought was wrong I needed to let it go and move on. To be able to do this I needed to forgive them even though they didn’t ask for my forgiveness. They repeated to me again that I needed to forgive them.
If I didn’t then these wounds and scars would take longer to heal. This anger or sense of being abandoned if not released immediately would weigh me down and would not let my spirit be free to do what it was meant to do here. I tried to follow their advice but it was hard to just let it go. I had been suffering for so long and it seemed that nobody cared about me anymore! It was not easy because I wanted some sort of revenge and some sort of justice to be served for what they had done to me! I thought that all that I had done for them didn’t warrant this type of treatment towards me in the end! I felt abandoned and left to die!
While all of these thoughts were coming into my mind I felt that those that were surrounding me were gradually moving farther and farther away from me. It was almost like these feelings were making them feel uncomfortable being around me and their flow of love was starting to dry out. It could not flow into my soul if it was already full of these feelings. They kind of stopped this flow of energy into my beaten soul. When I realized this I immediately stopped taking in these feelings and gradually they started to come closer to me again and I could feel the flow of love coming back into me.
This is what I needed to start this healing process. This is what I truly wanted to flow into me and not the other feelings. I began to see the smile on their faces letting me know that this is what I needed most at this time in this new life here. They already knew this and still they let me go on my own so that I could find out what I really needed instead of forcing me to accept what they had to offer me. They knew me more than I knew myself because like I said it before in some of these pages, I was sort of a rebel and wanted to do things “my way” and since they knew this they permitted me to make my own decision with regards to what I wanted to have in my soul or not. This is why the angel gave me a choice before he took me away.
I imagine that my Lord was seeing all of this and was shaking His head thinking that some of that stubbornness that I maybe had while I was living down there, I brought with me in this new place. It is amazing how in such a short time from not knowing anything about Him to almost thinking that I have known Him during my whole life but never admitted it to anyone about what I felt about Him.
- JUSTICE WILL BE DONE
An official explanation of what this phrase means is: An old expression that basically refers to a situation where someone has done something wrong and by saying this means that they will be punished for what they have done. It doesn’t mean that there should be an “eye for an eye” type of mentality. It should be done always with love. Love for the one that maybe there has been some wrong done to them and also love for the one that is being accused of it because this way they can realize that what they have just done is not “right”.
Even though the law of the land might say that no wrong doing had occurred, in the eyes of the Lord maybe He thinks differently. Either way for one to truly feel at peace one must do what they feel that one must do. If this wrong act has caused someone to die or make their situation worse, then this is done so that they might “rest in peace” and also so the family can finally have a closure on this terrible situation that has occurred. Life must continue but how it continues is sometimes more important.
A lion can still walk after a thorn gets stuck in its paws but it stops being a lion because it can’t run like it used to and unless another one is willing to do the hunting for them and share their meal then eventually it will die. When justice is not done this becomes a thorn in people’s lives and unless it is taken out it can get infected and could kill the person. When justice is done then it is like taking a shower and coming out of it washed with living water and ready to continue life as normal as possible but feeling that one did what they felt they needed to do. Not out of revenge but out of love for another human being. Even when the law of the land gets involved in reality it is done for love and not for hatred or as a form of punishment.
They want to be able to demonstrate to the one being accused that they did something that they shouldn’t have done. They want them to realize that they did not have the right to take the law into their own hands. Some will have learned their life lesson through this terrible experience by maybe having to go to jail for many years and others will show no remorse. This is when the law sometimes has to do what it doesn’t really want to do. An eye for an eye sort of rule. They know that this will not bring back the one that passed away but at least they just want to feel that there was no other way for this other human being to realize that what they did was wrong.
One can’t turn the clock back and change things but one can continue forward knowing that one did what they felt best in this particular situation. Sometimes parents have had to turn their own relatives in because they knew who did this. This is twice as painful because maybe somebody in the family committed a crime against another family member and now the damage done has doubled. Instead of just losing one family member they have lost two or maybe more. It is not the matter of how many they have lost but how many have to learn their lessons. Especially for parents because sometimes they have to choose to keep their mouths shut for fear of losing another one.
They will then have to live sometimes for the rest of their lives with this thorn in their body that for sure will eventually kill them and maybe not physically but spiritually because justice was not done. It is my prayer that this will not occur too often.
- I CAN BE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE AND ASK GOD TO NOT GIVE YOU PEACE
What you have been seeing in the movies is true. As a ghost I can come and haunt you and make your life miserable. I can move objects across the room and also make any noise I want so that you think that your house is haunted. I can make you feel cold or hot. I can make your eyes see things that are not really there. I can do all of these things because I feel like it and am enjoying seeing you have fear and not have peace. I am doing all of this out of revenge because now I really know how everybody really felt about me. Now I know that most of the tears were crocodile ones.
Now I know that all of those “I love you too” words were just that and in reality you were wishing that I was dead. I know everything. This pisses me off and it is payback time and I have all of your life to make it as miserable as possible. I am not going to waste any time and start doing this as soon as my earthly body is covered with dirt. Get ready for the ride of your life. The movie is over and now we can return to reality. I am not saying that this could not happen or has not happened. What I believe is that somebody could be your worst nightmare but it doesn’t necessarily have to be by the things that we see. You might know of some people that have mentioned that they are being tormented by the death of someone. They might not know why but this is what they feel. I think what this means is that our minds and our spirits communicate their thoughts differently to us. The mind can invent anything it wants.
Our spirit is different because it can’t create anything, it knows what is true and what is not. It is the means by which our creator communicates with us. It goes through our spirits that are constantly connected to Him and then through our minds and then through other parts of our bodies. When we begin to think about somebody that passed away and try to find peace in what we did, we might find guilt. We might blame ourselves for not being there when they needed us the most. We might blame others and feel that we need to see that justice will be done. All of these thoughts could be our worst nightmares because until we do something, we will not feel peace. A parent that has just lost a child that has been murdered by another person will not be able to feel this peace until they are brought to trial and let the justice system take care of them. This child could be their worst nightmare because they could be tormented with the thoughts that they took away the chance for someone to live on this earth just like they have had that chance.
We all know that only God can give true peace. He doesn’t get mad or take the law into His own hands. He is just and He will deal with everything in His own way and time frame. The child that has been killed is not being their worst nightmare, it is only trying to communicate to them that they did something wrong, and that they need to repent and ask for forgiveness. They will not bring the child back but they will let it be in peace, and when God sees this He will give them peace. Telling the truth gives one peace. Certain lies do not give anyone any peace. They think that they have it but in reality it is not true but false peace. It will not last and guilt will return very quickly when the spirit kicks in with its communication with the mind.
May we all be able to feel this true peace so that we know that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing is my wish for all.
- TO HAVE CLOSURE
What does this mean? To each maybe there is a different definition to what this means but I will just give you my opinion because I am on the other side and I can see some things that others can’t just yet. I can assure you that I do have closure. I am where I want to be right now at this time in my life and in my journey through life. I am with whom I want to be and feel what I am feeling right now and I know that this is just the beginning. It is very hard to describe how I really feel but I can assure you that I don’t want to go back to where I came from and I am looking forward to moving forward with whatever my Lord has in store for me. He knows how much I do love my family and friends and He will make sure that I can be used by Him to do whatever He wills me to do for Him. I am not doing anything anymore for myself, or for anyone else, and it is because I have found the truth and I don’t want to let go of it. I have also found true unconditional free love and these are just a few words to describe what I am feeling right now. I could write down a full page of words and they still wouldn’t be able to describe in earthly terms how it truly feels.
Don’t worry about me because you need to worry about yourselves especially the people that are still wondering how this could have happened to a person like me and full of potential. Why didn’t this happen to someone much older and one that everyone wanted them to die but didn’t. The only thing that I can say is that the Lord is in charge and He knows why and He alone keeps this secret to Himself and doesn’t share it with anyone because He is the Lord, end of story. Some might be thinking of why they didn’t do more to help me out with my current situation. I just need for you to understand that the date of my departure was set in stone by the Lord and the way it was going to happen also. Not one minute sooner or one second later.
Regardless of what anyone could have done more to me it would not have done any good to prolong my departure. The pain that I had to go through these last couple of years has all been washed away and the terrible memories and nightmares that I had have all been cleansed away. What remains are the memories and thoughts many will have that are still alive and have to live with these things for the rest of their lives if they want to. Some will regret how maybe they treated me during these last couple of years and others will have a closure that they did the best that they could with what time they had available to dedicate to me.
Either way I have moved on and I would like for each and every one of you to find your closure in this situation. If you can’t then that is fine also but someday you will. Each will know when that time will be. Sorry to say but some might find it sooner than I even expected it and that is there problem and not mine. I now know all there is to know and that is due to my Lord permitting me to know this. Some day you will also know what I know now and realize that sometimes in life we are playing with fire and sooner or later the truth will be known and then that is when things really become interesting.
Not because it will be payback time but we will realize that even though we thought that we could fool everyone there is one that can’t be fooled and His justice is beautiful because it is as sharp as a double edged sword.
- SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO OPEN THE WOUND AGAIN SO THAT IT CAN TRULY HEAL
Most people will say that after a tragic event in one’s life one must try to close the wounds quickly. They must try to occupy themselves with doing things again. They must try to go back to being and doing the things that they did before this happened. The quicker that one can do this the better it is for all involved to be able to move on. They are giving this advice to those closest to the person that this happened to so that the hurt and pain will go away much faster so that life can go back to being sort of normal again. This will never happen but at least they are doing this to try to help them get back on their feet again.
Just like when a doctor in the emergency room treats a patient that has just had a terrible cut in their leg and it seems that it has closed nicely and is not bleeding any more. He might decide to use his knife to cut open the wound again and others that are looking at this might be wondering why he is going backwards and not moving forward. The reason could be is not to make the wound heal faster but to make sure that underneath the skin and the blood that there maybe was something that got in there and if left there eventually it will get infected and then that is when all hell breaks loose. This way he can clean whatever is there and then proceed to close the wound again. This is the correct procedure so that the wound will be able to heal totally and not have to worry about it at a later date. This is what happens when something tragic happens and people just want to leave things as they are and move on as quickly as possible.
If a family had some issues before this happened then maybe this opportunity to get together is a good time to mend past wounds. Time to open up the wound and get to the bottom of why this might have happened and use what has just happened to make us realize how delicate life is. One minute you are here and the next you are not. This is about a functioning body that can talk back to you and you can hear what they are saying and you can use to the fullest all of the functions that a living body can provide and that a spirit can’t supply certain things that are necessary in this life.
Even though what is more important is the life that we are going to continue to live after this, there is a reason why we have come here and we should enjoy the things that this life has to offer. Not just material but other things much more important than that. Sometimes opening old wounds can bring out memories that one doesn’t want to remember but if they are kept there it could infect the whole body. Things that have been bothering one for many years but one was waiting for the right opportunity to uncover them. Well, the time has come. Your boat has arrived. Putting things on the table once and for all will help everyone involved in being able to do the things right that they have done wrong.
There is no shame in admitting that one is not perfect and that one has made a mistake and ask for forgiveness and see what one can do to mend things. To have true peace one must remove the things that one is hiding and expose them and ask for help from others to help accomplish this. You will be surprised to know how many people might have been waiting for this opportunity for many years and it has finally arrived.
Now they can all move forward and let the wound truly heal.
- A BEAUTIFUL COFFIN
Don’t worry, it was not gold plated and it wasn’t as fancy as some that other rich people are laid to rest in. Others might just have a pine box or maybe just a cardboard one. Still there are those in this world that are just wrapped in a cloth and thrown in a hole in the ground and that is it. I can’t complain because mine was a beautiful one made out of simulated wood and I am grateful that they chose this coffin for me. I hate to break the news, but I was not any longer in that body that was put in there. If I would have been permitted to return for just a few minutes I would have taken that body out of there and would have told them to give this coffin to somebody that couldn’t have afforded one and was just cremated because it was cheaper. I am not joking around because in reality I was not in the body that was placed there and my spirit is free to roam wherever my Lord will permit me to go.
The funeral service was simple and short and that was fine. There are some people that die and have all sorts of fancy things that they do like a gun salute, a choir come and sing a song, television cameras filming so that they make sure that the body does not pop open the coffin, etc. Sorry again because this is not a joke but I just can’t help feeling that if everyone in this world would really know what happens to one when they leave their body behind then maybe things would change. I know that there is big money to be made when somebody dies and funeral arrangements are being made but this is all a show.
The respect that one has for the one that has died is when as time goes by they are still remembered and people keep talking about what they had accomplished in the lives of others. A funeral service is short when after just a few days, weeks or months business continues as usual and people make the comment that poor is the one that has died because the ones that are still alive are continuing their lives a usual. The children will continue to go to school and others will return to their jobs and their usual routines and life continues.
This is normal and it should be this way but a whole life of a person is forgotten so fast? All of these years of parties and reunions and birthdays and everything else that happens during one’s life is so easily forgotten? If a child or a young adult passes away they still have lived a few years so that others will not forget them that easy. I am not here to judge because to each his own but maybe this is why I find humor in seeing this beautiful coffin ready to be placed in the ground so that it can last intact a few years for what? I don’t think that one is going to come back every 5 years and bring it back up and see how the body is doing inside.
Once in the ground, always in the ground. Once the body dies, it stays dead until there is almost nothing left of it. I just feel that it is a shame to have such a beautiful coffin used this way. Some say that since this person worked so hard that they deserve the best by providing them with a beautiful coffin so that all can see how the loved ones left behind really cared about them. There is nothing that I can do now and the choice has been made and they didn’t use my money because I have none. I left it all behind where I had found it.
Now I am not tied down by earthly treasures because they have all been left behind where they belong.
- I WAS DRESSED UP VERY NICELY, GOOD THING MY SPIRIT HAD ALREADY DEPARTED FROM MY BODY
As I was looking down on my body I was surprised to see myself looking very handsome. My hair was well done and I was dressed very nicely with just a shirt and tie. I would have preferred to be dressed differently which is how I dressed for most of my life while I was at the top of my career and also when I had other jobs that required me to dress my best. I was a professional businessman that would meet with other professionals and I had to dress the part. I met very rich people and very important men in this country that had a lot of money and the dress code needed to show who one was.
Even if they would have dressed me in jeans and just a T shirt I would have been happy because my spirit was not in that body anymore. I guess the way I was dressed was to show the clothes that I felt more comfortable wearing. Maybe it would have been better to have the lid closed because there were enough pictures of me all over the place, and maybe it would have been better to remember me how I was then and not how I was now. Don’t get me wrong I was not killed in an accident but died of natural causes at my temporary home. I looked very handsome for a body that was without life but I knew that I was not in there anymore and I wouldn’t need this body any more where I was at, so I really didn’t care about what I as seeing.
What mattered most to me was the real reason why everybody came to pay their respects to those that were still alive there? Why they took the time out off their regular routines to come and see me one last time? Why most didn’t even send me a text to know if I was alive or dead and if I needed something? I am not opening up old wounds but when somebody goes to a funeral to see someone that has passed on, it is too late to say goodbye to them because they are not in that body any more. It is a wonderful time to go and show their respects for those that remain to let them know that they are there for whatever they need. To hug them and tell them how much they are sorry for their loss and to try to ease their pain by saying a few words to them. To show them that they are willing to go out of their way to come to their rescue in these terrible moments.
I was moved by not the quantity of people that came but why they truly came there. Most came to comfort my wife and children and my other relatives and for that I will always be thankful for what they chose to do for them. My hope is that the promises they made in those moments of grief are real promises and not just ones that are said to comfort the ones that are grieving and then when things get back to normal then bye, bye what was said. I can’t do anything about making them keep their promises and hopefully by my passing on, the whole family will be more united than they had been during these last couple of years.
Only God knows and He is in charge, so time will tell. I just want to mention just one little thing and that I now know that we can’t fool God even though we might think that we can. It would be better to just stay home and watch a game on television rather than go to these events for the wrong purpose because you can’t fool the one that has just died and you can’t fool Him so who are they trying to fool?
Sorry I had to say this but it just came out this way.
Funerals are wonderful occasions in which one can maybe finally see long lost relatives that have decided to bury the hatchet because they want to pay their last respects for the one that has deceased. It could be an occasion that one wants to see for the last time somebody that they respected, or also for one that they didn’t have any respect for and they just want to make sure that they are really dead. People cry and some people might feel relief inside that this person has finally died and will do no harm any more to others. Some funerals will go on for longer times than others and it’s not that it will be this way but the effects of it can last for years or maybe a lifetime or maybe just a few days or even hours.
One thing that most funerals have in common is that no one will come in with a happy face. Well maybe there are certain cultures that they consider this a time for celebration, because finally their spirit is free and it can continue on its journey through eternity because they have passed their test here. They might help us from the other side to prepare for the time when it will be our turn. Also another common thing is that most will come dressed in black. The color black symbolizes death but in other times it can be used as a way to dress up for a fancy party. Either way it does not matter how one comes dressed but what one truly feels on the inside. For the first time the spirit of the person that has just died is free and will be present during this occasion.
Some might say that they are busy learning or doing things on the other side of the curtain but I think that the place where they would want to be is in their own funeral because they can see past the tears and screams and truly know what each person felt for them and why they are coming here. The spirit might be laughing knowing that these people can’t fool them anymore and that they now know how God has looked at us all these years. They will be so thankful that the Lord is permitting them to be here at this special time and for the first time their eyes will be totally opened. They will also feel some sorrow seeing their family all alone without them but the Lord has assured them that they aren’t going any place because they will be like guardian angels to them until it is their turn to come to where they are right now.
This makes one feel good about God’s plan and not blame Him for taking them away so soon and leaving them all alone to fend for themselves. His plan is perfect and it does not depend on which religion or what you believed while you were living here this short time. When He put into place this plan He knew everything. He knew the joy and the sorrow that it would cause but His ways are not our ways and He thinks about eternal consequences and not just earthly ones.
There have also been times when a funeral puts every emotion in high alert and any comment or the way one acts can trigger a reaction that can break out in fights and the police might have to be called in to calm things down. Either way it is a time of reflection and a time to think about how fragile our own lives are. One minute one is here and the next, one has been taken away never to return the same way again.
I know what you might be thinking right now but let us move on and not get stuck on just one thing because we are not in charge of this life, there is someone else that knows what He is doing.
- CROCODILE TEARS
I know what kind of thoughts these words will bring to some people’s minds. For sure they don’t bring comfort to anyone, and sometimes they might think that one knows more about how another person feels then that person themselves. This is not the case and I am not bringing this up to do this. I guess the reason why I am writing about this is because we see so much hypocrisy in this world that maybe it’s time to expose them for what they truly are. We have people crying in front of others to maybe show how much remorse they feel when they are caught doing something that they shouldn’t do and then when the cameras are turned off they wipe those fake tears and continue doing business as usual.
Those people that show up in front of the judge dressed in their Sunday best to show him that they are an asset to society by the way they are dressed even though they might be full of dead men’s bones. Sometimes we don’t see beyond what our eyes see and just take it for granted that what we are seeing is what is really happening. During weddings there are no tears being shed most of the time but there are also other kinds of crocodile tears that one might consider to be the same. Crocodile laughs, words, kisses, handshakes and pats on the back are just some that I wanted to mention. It is amazing to see some of the closest relatives of the person that has passed on, show these tears to everyone, and then when the crowd leaves they take off their masks and expose their real feelings. Even some spouses that as soon as the coffin lid is closed they open their back doors to maybe a friend that has been waiting in the shadows to come and make themselves comfortable in a bed that is still warm.
They say that we shouldn’t judge but sometimes we can’t help it and it is better to show real tears than fake ones. Show real feelings instead of fake ones. We sometimes feel that we must put on a show for the world to see and then take off our costumes when everyone is gone. What we don’t realize is that there is someone watching all of this and is just nodding His head in wonder because He sees everything and someday He will show you everything that you did in private so that you will realize who He really is. Not to make fun of you but make you realize that you might have fooled everyone but not Him.
That it is time to pay the piper and fess up and realize that you weren’t as perfect as everyone thought you were and that He will truly forgive you if you are sincere. He has let you play the game long enough, now it is His turn to not play games but to let you know what reality is all about. You were not able to hide from Him while you were alive on this earth and for sure you will not be able to hide behind a mask now that you are in His kingdom. I don’t know how they got this saying about these tears but maybe it is because even though you see a crocodile crying it means that he is not crying because he is sad but because he wants you to feel sorry for him so that when you approach and try to comfort him he will open his mouth and bite your hand off.
If this is true or not I don’t care because this is my own definition. What I know is that there is no reason why one should be this way because it hurts the one that is lying there dead in the coffin and it disappoints the One we should be more concerned about and who doesn’t care about what others think or not.
- I WAS A SINNER JUST LIKE YOU, DON’T JUST PAINT A ROSY PICTURE ABOUT ME
During my funeral I was able to know what others were feeling at that moment. The words spoken about me truly touched my soul and I was saddened that I couldn’t be there to personally thank everyone that came, and also those that didn’t want to come because they had other obligations or simply they wanted to pay their respects to me on a more personal basis in private. I know that they just wanted to say good things about me, but most of the people present knew about my current situation and how I went from the top to the bottom in such a short time.
They looked at my accomplishments and tried to remember me at my best and not at my worst. I am grateful for this and for those that didn’t know my whole story, it made me look like a hero. I truly was a hero because I didn’t give up that easily but with all of the bullet holes that I had in me there was going to be a time that I had to just drop my weapon and give in to what was waiting for me for a while. I would have preferred that maybe someone would have discussed something about what was really going on in my life. What really caused all of this pain for others and for me? I know that maybe it was not the right time and place but I just didn’t feel complete. I would have preferred to spill the beans but then maybe my image would have gone down the tubes and they would have not looked up to me like they had during all of these years.
My true friends would have understood that nobody is perfect and that we are all sinners. My sins were not under my skin but exposed for all to see. I reached a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I didn’t care what people thought about me. It was my life and I had to live with the body that I had been given. It was my pain and my suffering and while everyone was asleep, I was the one that was pacing the room not knowing how to get a good night’s sleep. While everyone was saying good night to each other I was looking at myself in the mirror in the kitchen and was talking to myself in the mirror. While others had a person beside them sleeping in the same bed I was by myself all alone crying myself to sleep many nights. I didn’t think about praying because I knew that my God had abandoned me many years ago when this all started.
I knew that maybe this was my test and I was willing to take this on by myself without anybody’s help. I was at the top and knew how to get there and I was going to do it again on my own. I had to let this out and I know that nobody there was going to let the cat out of the bag because it was already planned that it was going to be this way. Everybody that spoke painted a beautiful picture of my life accomplishments and what kind of person that I truly was. They purposely left out the things that anybody would not have been proud that they had done in this life. I would have liked for someone to mention some things about the “real” me also but nobody dared to put a little pinch of tabasco sauce so as to truly pay tribute to me.
I still want to thank all for the wonderful words that were said about me and that they truly touched me and I appreciate everything they did and will be doing for my family from now on. I will forever be grateful for this.
- FINALLY FREE
I am going to share with you something what somebody wrote about their dear friend that had just passed away and it pretty much explains how I am also feeling right now being here in the same place:
“This last weekend, the angels of the Lord came and accompanied his soul to where it had originally come from. I had the privilege of feeling the peaceful spirit that they left behind in that room that is impossible to describe but easy to feel. He is being prepared to meet his Lord like a bride is being prepared to meet the groom. His scars from this life are being washed away with living water and his spirit is being nourished by being surrounded with loved ones that have gone before him to wait for his return. While living on this earth they showed some of the love that they felt for him, but now without having to be restrained by their bodies, they can let it pour out. Having left his imperfect earthly body behind, his spirit can now truly absorb this pure love that they are flooding him with. This is helping him to revive and restore who he really had become while on this earth. He was admired and respected by many for what he represented and not just what he had accomplished. His list of earthly accomplishments in this life could fill several volumes of books but most important are what he accomplished in the lives of others when they interacted with him and now he can truly see who those people are. Many wonderful words will be spoken about him but maybe the most important ones will be the unspoken ones kept inside the heart. Now he will be able to feel those thoughts and hear those words. He had many faults like all of us have, but the one thing that I admired about him was the will to fight for something that he believed in and to never give up the fight to survive till the end, whatever the results were going to be. His desire to want to handle the things on his own was one of his greatest strengths and also a weakness that helped end his life here so soon. While we are still living here, we are all going to have to fight our own battles, some we will win, and others we will lose and sometimes we might have to raise a white flag and ask for help. You are finally back to your “real” home and your Savior will say:
‘Well done, my faithful servant. You have fought a good fight, you have finished the course, you have competed well, welcome home, my son.’
Now it is your turn to help prepare us to come to where you are so that we can feel the true love that you had for all of us, and because of what has just happened, you were not able to demonstrate enough of this. With God’s help, and the love that we still have for each other, we will be able to conquer all obstacles.”
I hope that you now know how I truly feel about being in this new place being surrounded by all who truly want what is best for all of us here and that is to be free again. I am waiting for you to come and experience this yourself.
In the meantime don’t worry and be happy because God is in charge and He will never abandon you.
- MY BODY HAS DIED, WHO WILL TELL OUR SIDE OF THE STORY?
Believe it or not this was one of my first questions that I had. I didn’t think about where I was at. I wasn’t looking for my Lord because I never knew who He really was when I was alive. I wouldn’t have recognized Him because I am sure that He didn’t look like the pictures that I saw of Him while I was down on earth. Some even have this weird idea that He is easy to recognize because of His marks but I was so shocked to be in this new place that I didn’t have time to look at anything.
The only thing that I was feeling was the warmth of the love that was being poured into my spirit to make me feel at home even though I had not been here before. The answer to my question came quite quickly after just a couple of days that I was here because I could see that somebody was busy writing some titles on pieces of paper while at the funeral and also at a church service. I could not read what they were but I knew that somebody was putting these words into his mind and he was busy writing them down on whatever piece of paper he had available to him. I think that somebody once told me while I was still living on earth that this is the way that he wrote so many essays. I wanted to get a hold of him and ask him to show some of them to me but I didn’t know how I could have done this. I might have the chance now that I have all this time available to do this and find out what they are all about.
I have had the chance of observing him one day when he wrote the first 5 articles, and threw them on somebody’s desk and pointed to them and just said: Now these are to write a book about! I have seen him go like wildfire and write whenever he has had some free time and even when his computer crashed he kept writing some of them by hand. I know who is putting these thoughts into his head about us because He knows more than we do.
Many people have died in this world and their stories have not been told. The majority come and go, and sometimes one might write something interesting about what they accomplished during their lives. It is very difficult to know what a person was thinking or what secrets they took to their graves, because the only person that might have known has died. We have been given the privilege that some of our stories will be told and it is not to put the records straight or to tell some secrets that we might have not shared with anyone, but simply to tell our side of the story. He is also writing about what experiences other people have had to go through and about the millions of people that have come and gone and their side of the story has not been told yet.
The side of the story that others could not see because it was hidden deep inside and they didn’t want to share their secrets with anyone. It is to shed some other light on the issues that they might have had, that didn’t show on the surface, and they were judged on what others saw and not what was really happening deep inside. My story is not unique, but it is one that maybe covers a lot of people that have had similar issues like I had. Each one of us is an individual and no two people are alike and their stories are different also.
Because some of these stories are being able to be told then we might be able to see the rest of the picture and be able to maybe understand better what some of us have had to go through and this way people might feel more compassion towards us instead of judging us by our actions alone.
- I KNOW THAT MY LORD WILL NOT LET ME DOWN
By the time all this will be written down, the person that will publish this book will have been through a couple of hurricanes, a tornado, and a tsunami and then run over by a herd of stampeding elephants. My Lord made him aware of what he was going to have to go through, and even though he was promised support from others when he turned around they had abandoned him.
He was kicked out of his house a couple of times, and received insults and called every name in the book by the ones that he thought should have loved him the most. He didn’t give up and continued to dig and dig because he was searching to know the truth. He thought that he had found it and when he let the cat out of the bag all hell broke loose. He tried to keep his cool as best as he could because he knew what he was after. Now he truly is feeling how some of us have felt during our last few years of our lives even though he had already had a taste of this same feeling for a couple of years.
We are sort of a one of a kind in that when we strongly believe in something that we will try to continue to move onward even though the storm gets bigger and bigger. For what he is doing right now we will forever be grateful. I know that my Lord has forgiven me and that is all that I need to know. I hope by what somebody has read so far that they feel that they also have forgiven me for what I didn’t know I was doing to them.
Like I said in the beginning, this is not about a particular person but about all that have gone, are going or will going through similar situations that will also bring them to where I have been at. This is about doing something for somebody and not just reading some words that are on some pieces of paper. This is about going out and making someone’s last day more pleasant or making someone’s last meal taste better. This person might be losing a lot for right now but the Lord is in charge and with Him everything will be okay. This person is building his treasures in Heaven and not on earth even though he has many treasures there that are willing to support him with this.
Our Lord is the one that we can trust with our lives. He is the one that I trust with all my soul right now even though I didn’t know much about Him during my life. It doesn’t make a difference because He has always been there for me even though I didn’t know it. Now I do and I can promise this person that is writing this book that he will be with me when his time will come. I will gladly help clean his wounds and cure his scars just like others have done to me.
I know that if he does decide that it is too much for him to handle by himself, the Lord will come to His rescue. Even though he might think that he is doing this for us I will point him in the direction to whom he should be doing this for.
We can’t take any credit for anything that is being done here even though while I was alive I did take some credit. I should have known better but I didn’t and for this I ask for His forgiveness.
- WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH THIS PERSON
Maybe this is why we can sort of relate to what he has had to go through these last few years. Even though we are not the same age we have had something in common with him. We have all experienced what it is for one to feel from their family a sort of abandonment. Being blamed for something that others consider to be our fault and since we have chosen to follow this path, these are the consequences. Right now the Lord has kept him very busy writing this book and having to deal with some other family issues that he would have not expected in a million years to happen to him considering what kind of person he has been to all and not just his family. Helping others and never expecting anything in return.
He is getting up there in age and only the Lord knows when it will be his turn to come and be where I am right now. He will have gone through a lot of the things that maybe I had to go through. Even though we don’t think that he will have the same problems and issues that we have had to deal with, he will still have to feel what it is to have others just move on and leave him behind. It is a shame because all of us have loved our families very much and have invested a lot to make sure that they are well taken care of. Not just monetarily but trying to guide them to do the right things and to try to help them be who they really want to be in this life.
Because of the way he is now being treated he has sometimes felt that maybe the price that he has to pay is just too much for any man to bear. That his cross is getting each day heavier and heavier just like mine was. I have also lost a dear close friend of mine that during these last couple of years I thought that he didn’t treat me like I deserved to be treated. He understood that I had some serious issues that I was trying to resolve and sometimes I also treated him like my worst enemy.
Now I know the truth and realize that this was not true. I don’t know how to ask for his forgiveness. I just didn’t know who my real friends or enemies were that wanted to spy on me and spread rumors around to try to bury me quicker. People that have been in my shoes know what I mean. I have left this life but others will be taking my place and they will have these same similar issues and problems that I have had to deal with.
Some will also decide to follow the same path that I chose and will end up like me all alone and abandoned waiting for me to not be a pain in the side any more. They will have suffered things that I have had to go through. They will be shunned and accused of not caring anymore and in the end they will be forgotten just like I will eventually. Even the ones that have left a mark on this earth will be put on the top shelf so that others can come in and take their place. The ones that are still alive right now are the only ones that can do something about how these people live their last days. They are the only ones that can truly put a last smile on their face or drive that nail a little deeper into their bodies. They are the ones that still have the chance to do something little that will be considered enormous for these people that have been marked with a disease that nobody wants to deal with anymore.
The solution that this world has is working for some but for the majority, it is just a waste of time because they are focusing on the end results and not going after the roots. Everybody is different but in reality our needs are pretty much the same.
- EVENTUALLY I WILL BE REMEMBERED VERY LITTLE
I now know that this will happen eventually. All of the sacrifice and worries that I had during my life will not be remembered for long. Once in a while, when somebody recalls something that I maybe did with them, then a thought or two might come to their mind and within a few seconds or minutes they will return to what they were doing before this thought came. I know now that this is a normal thing that will happen regardless if the person passing on was the most influential person in the world or if nobody even knew who they were.
Regardless of how much you have accomplished in this life eventually people will continue with their lives and what I had accomplished will all be forgotten. Sometimes one might wonder if it would have been better to have lived my life just thinking about myself, and living day to day enjoying the earthly pleasures that would have come my way. I was always thinking about how my family could live the life that I wanted them to live, and to learn the things that I felt that they needed to learn. I worked to get to the top of my career so that they could have an easier life than I had. We travelled to many places so that they could see how other people lived or survived, and appreciated what they had and how they got it.
I wanted them to do their best at whatever they wanted to do. I tried to help them as much as I could and I knew a lot of people that could help me with this. I was not the type to ask for favors and they all knew this and this is why they went out of their way to help me in whatever need I had. They recognized me for who I was and what I had done to others. They respected me and not for what I had done specifically for them but what I had done to make the lives of other people better. They knew that I didn’t take much credit for what I had done and this made them want to be able to do something for me whenever they would have the chance to do this.
For this I will be forever grateful because this showed what kind of people they truly were. Sometimes one only has the opportunity of seeing just one side of someone but I had the privilege of seeing the side that most people don’t see. This was an honor for me because it showed that they trusted me and relied on my expertise to help them in whatever they wanted me to do for them. I did this with pleasure and never seeking any honor for myself. I am being remembered now for some of the things that I did when I was at the top of my game and I will be remembered also for the time that I wasn’t.
They had a lot of hope and trust in me that I could pull out of this hole that I was in, and I can assure them that I have, because I am where I want to be and eventually you will all come to me and I will do for you what I have done always and that is to serve each and every one of you. I will help you mend your wounds and scars also, even though I might have had more, but still each has their own. I don’t want to ask you to remember me always because every one of you has your own life to live but I guarantee that I will remember you always. I will not be able to forget because each one contributed to my being who I am today.
Somebody wrote an article that dealt with what I have just said. Somebody gave me it to me to read but I didn’t have time to do this but maybe now I will.
- BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL
Even though there might a tragedy that has happened in a family or even in a city, or country, after a while things start to go back to normal again. What has been destroyed or damaged starts to get repaired. Some will be repaired quite quickly and others might take months or even years and some, one might just decide that it is not worth the time and effort and expense and decide to tear it down and start all over again and build something newer and most times even better.
When something tragic happens to some human being then things are quite different. It is very difficult to go back to business as usual or that should be the case. For some people it might take their whole lives to live with the fact that a person has gone away and they will never be able to see them again in this life. The whole family suffers in one way or another. Some will keep showing on the outside that all is well but sometimes in the privacy of their rooms they shed tears every night. Sometimes they might lose control and sometimes there might just be one tear and other times there just might be thoughts of how it was when they were still here. They say that time cures all things and this is right because when your time is up then you won’t take that pain and suffering with you. You will still take the memories good or bad but whatever affected your body stays where your body began.
Whatever affected your soul will be taken with you wherever you will go. Sometimes business will continue as usual especially if the feelings for another person were just superficial. If deep, deep inside one was wishing for the person to just go away or disappear. Never expecting that maybe someday what they were asking for would come true. For the ones that were truly loved business could continue as usual but deep inside this true love will always be there and nothing in this world will be able to take this away even when it is our turn to also go away.
They say that the world will always keep spinning. This means that when something happens regardless if the whole population of the earth was to suddenly disappear, the earth will continue its business as usual. It has no feelings and it is just doing what it was created to do. Humans do have feelings and even though they try to continue business as usual, the purpose of these terrible things happening in this earth is so that we can wake up and smell the coffee. If we were all programmed to depart this life at a certain age then this effect would not serve its purpose. There needs to be old timers that are like weeds that never seem to die and there are those that in the prime of their lives they are taken away with a blink of an eye. Probably when kids are taken away, for some it seems to be something that the wounds will never be healed. This is the way it is supposed to be. No loss, no feelings. No tragedies, no appreciation for the day that we are given which could be our last. What the world teaches us that we should get back to business as usual is not what we should do if we believe in something else.
They say that we should bury the stiff so that the family can start the healing process. The healing process started the day they were given this news. I wish that we never go back to business as usual about how we feel on the inside; otherwise this event didn’t serve any purpose at all.
- THEY ARE GRADUALLY FORGETTING ABOUT ME AND ARE CONCENTRATING ON CONTINUING TO LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT ME
Sad to say this is the way this life is meant to be. I didn’t organize this system and whoever did this has done it perfectly. Regardless if you were the most important person that ever lived or one that nobody even knew that existed, people try to get on with their lives as best as they can. Whether you pass away young or old, the rest of the people that remain someday they will be able to continue to live their lives without one being there. For a time there exists this mourning period and some can last only few days and some the rest of their lives.
One might not have forgotten about the person that is no longer around but sometimes what one sees on the outside is not really what is going on in the inside. One sees that others are living a normal life but when the light goes out at night they might always have their thoughts on the person that has left. We shall see how long it will take for my loved ones to gradually start to forget me or put me in the corner of their lives like I had felt lately. I guess the Lord was preparing for them to live a somewhat normal life without me being in the middle of them messing things up because He knew what was going to happen in a short time period. He knew that if all of a sudden one day I was there in the middle of all the action and then the next day I was gone it would have been a greater shock.
This is the mercy that He showed my family by having this already planned on how this was going to happen so that the shock would have not been as bad. This is why I love Him more than I could have ever imagined that somebody could love somebody else and this is why I give Him my total loyalty to do His will. He didn’t do this so that I could also do this for Him but just because this is how He shows His true love for us. He knows how much I have loved and will always love my family and He didn’t do this just for them but also for me.
I do ask that they do continue their lives as normal as possible without me but I would like for them to never forget who I was and not so much who I had become. They might have not liked what I did lately, how I behaved, or looked like, but deep inside, the “real” me never changed. I want them to know and remember this for the rest of their lives and the day when we will be together again they will also know that what I have just said is true. I will still do my part to make sure that they will continue to feel my presence if they choose to. I will be there for them and I will do my part whether they do theirs or not.
Now I know how my Lord does this same thing for us on a daily basis. He is there and will always be there whether we realize it or not. He will continue to guide and protect us and help us go through these trials whether we ask Him or not. This is why they have said that we are all interconnected whether we like it or not. No man is an island and for sure where I am at right now we are in this all together.
I will be there for your most memorable moments and when you are sitting in your dark corner all by yourself thinking where I am at, don’t worry because I am there sitting right beside you caressing your soul and pouring out the love that I have for you.
- I WAS NOT BORN THIS WAY
We all know that our bodies are not perfect. We are all born with some cells that are not functioning properly, but our bodies know this and they try to keep them under control so that they don’t do much harm to the healthy ones. In some people, they go out of control and cause the death of that person and in some they don’t. When I was young, I did get into a little bit of trouble at work and everybody looked at what I had done, and not why I had done it. This left a mark pretty deep because of how I felt after this happened, and I think that I never got it out of my system, with regards to the people that did this to me.
When finally I was on my own and had a family to take care of, things changed quite a bit for me and also I had found a new family that had taken me in like I was part of them. I was treated like royalty and felt that my life was going to be what I had wanted it to be. I was married to the love of my life and we had a bunch of kids that I needed to be an example to them. I was going to be an excellent parent and this is why I decided to pursue a career so that I could let them have what I didn’t have. I wanted them to travel everywhere, so that they could see some things that I never saw when I was young.
My dream was to have a family that I could be proud of, and likewise they would be proud of me. This was not to feed my ego but it was my goal and I wanted to achieve this above all else. I was given wonderful opportunities to work with some amazing people and I learned a lot of things from them and hopefully they also learned some things from me. My wife was amazing because she could keep doing things that I didn’t have time to do and she was good at it. I trusted her with my life and tried to give her everything that she wanted from me. She is the one that helped me become who I wanted to be, and I tried to help her become who she wanted to be.
Together we made a wonderful team and we both tried to raise our family, helping them find their potential and having them achieve this. We had some disagreements on how this could be accomplished but I thought this was normal. When some things started to affect me more than I could handle, that’s when things started to go downhill. At first they were minor things but since we were not able to bring them up the surface so that we could openly discuss what was happening they seemed to dig themselves deeper and deeper into the closets full of skeletons that each one has hidden someplace. Sometimes one is afraid to open it for fear of what might come out so one keeps putting things in there until there is no more and they just come falling out of there again.
Gradually things started to come out and I preferred to sometimes just be quiet and go into my hiding place and started to seek something that maybe could help with this situation more than talking about it. This is when things started to change. There might have been less arguments, but I was going to this place of refuge more and more often than I would have preferred. I did have many choices and could have spoken to someone about these things that were happening to me but I was afraid of exposing them thinking that they would have thought that I didn’t have the family that I worked so hard to build.
I didn’t want to look like I was a success in my career, but a failure in what I treasured most. I now realize that this was a mistake, which I would pay for it dearly until the end.
- FROM BOTTOM TO TOP AND BACK TO BOTTOM
This describes perfectly my life. I have no regrets and it is not because I have a big ego but because very few of us can do what I have been able to do in such a short time. Maybe at times I showed that I had a big ego but this was not the case because deep inside I was still the boy from a small town on the east coast. I had a normal childhood or at least I think that I did and lived my life fully. From there I realized that I had the capability of using my head to get me to where I thought that I would want to be in this life. I never imagined that I would hop on a fast train that took me quite quickly to the top. I was not a president of a corporation or of a county but for me it was the top. I got to meet a lot of important people and for me they were just common people doing important things. I treated them with respect and they did the same to me.
As usual when one gets to the top one has to start climbing down or else it gets pretty lonely up there. Some people like to stay up there and never get bored being by themselves. I wanted to come back down and be where the other people were hanging out. Maybe this was not totally my choice because I was not my usual self. It seemed that when I looked in the mirror, I was still me but something inside my mind was changing and I didn’t know what that was. I gradually started to slip, going downhill quite quickly and didn’t know how to stop the fall. I tried to grab a hold of anything that could slow down my decline and sometimes I would be able to grab something but eventually it would give and I continued to go down.
I never thought that I had climbed very high because it seemed that I was never going to reach rock bottom. The pit got bigger and bigger and it never seemed to end. When others started to realize what was happening they decided to try to help me but could only do so much. Their arms didn’t extend far enough and they also needed to take care of themselves or else I maybe could have brought them down with me. I didn’t want to do that with anyone. I wanted to do this on my own. I got myself up as high as anyone could go and I knew for sure that given time I could do this. Sometimes I would just give up and let go so that I could see how far down I could go but this didn’t work either because it seemed that when I did this I didn’t know if I was starting to climb again or just kept falling.
I also lost the notion of which way was up and which was down. A couple of times it seemed that I was heading towards the top again but never reached the place that I had been before and eventually would lose sight of where I wanted to be and started to go back down to the bottom. This has a devastating effect on your life because when you are heading up again your friends show up and try to cheer you on because this time they have a renewed confidence in you again.
When you slip up and start to head back down then they just seem to scatter because they have been through this many times before and it is the same old story that keeps repeating itself. Well I finally reached the very bottom of this pit and have felt the results of what happens next.
I have found a new place that this time I can reach the top and stay there because I am surrounded by people that will comfort me so that I will not go back to the bottom again.
- LATELY I WAS THINKING THAT EVERY NIGHT WAS GOING TO BE MY LAST NIGHT
It wasn’t because I wanted this to be this way but because I could see that something was heading my way and I just couldn’t make out what it was. About a month ago the relationship that I had with my wife started to really go downhill and at first I thought that as usual it was the way I was behaving or not behaving. This has been a roller coaster ride for a few years and everything after a while just gets old. One wants this situation to either end or go another direction. At first, one had a lot of patience trying different techniques and since none of them worked then one sort of gave up and just let destiny take its toll.
I noticed that somebody had come into the picture and I didn’t like this at all but there wasn’t much that I could say or do about it. I just couldn’t believe what was happening before my eyes and when information started to come my way I didn’t know what to do because he was a friend of mine. Should I just give up trying to fix somethings that now I truly realized that maybe it was not going to be possible to fix? Should I fight harder to try to make things go back to the way they were before this happened to me? I truly didn’t know what to do. I kept asking what was going on and I was told that I was inventing things. Everything was going to be okay and that I should be more concerned about getting better than other things that I couldn’t handle.
For the first time in my life I felt that I was really lost in an ocean surrounded by sharks and didn’t know which way was home. I discussed some of these issues with some of my friends and family and they didn’t want to get involved so I was pretty much on my own to handle this by myself. I tried to discuss this with the person that was the love of my life and she also seemed to be distant and did not want to tell me the truth. This nail really hit the spot and created a hemorrhaging that would never stop bleeding.
I knew what was going on but couldn’t prove it and I knew that others that were living in that house were also suffering but my new friend did not have a cure for what I was now feeling. I thought that maybe there would be a chance that things would go back to normal again but the last thread that I was grabbing just broke. I was falling into this pit that seemed to have no bottom to it. I tried to grab anything so that my fall could be broken but it was too late because I was going to reach the bottom this time.
Each time I felt that I was being moved more and more out of the lives of the people that I loved the most and somebody else was moving more and more into what I had helped build for my family. I was not invited to many events anymore and some people might have thought that I died because it seemed that I didn’t exist anymore. I thought that I was still alive but inside I was already dying quite quickly. I just felt that it was going to be just a matter of months before I was going to have my last night. I was also having some last homemade meals that were being prepared exclusively for me. My boat was arriving very quickly and I just felt that this couldn’t continue this way for long. My farewell was being prepared and even though I wanted to stay a little longer, I knew that my time to go was coming very soon. How sad it is to know that others are making funeral arrangements for you when you are still alive. I now know the truth and the ones that did this will have to live with this thought for the rest of their lives.
- THANK YOU LORD FOR HAVING MERCY
This is what sometimes we say when a loved one has finally passed away after maybe having suffered for a short or long time. Humans don’t like to see other humans suffer. Well most humans don’t. Beasts do. When we see others suffering we sometimes try to feel what they are feeling but this can’t be. They must sometimes endure what they have to do by themselves. One can make it more comfortable for them but in most cases we can’t take away the pain. Out of love and respect we begin to ask the Lord to have mercy for them.
Just like when Jesus cried when he saw what the people were feeling over the death of Lazarus. He was touched and for the first time He cried and we don’t know if tears came rolling down His cheeks. It is not because his friend had died because He knew what was going to happen next but because He saw others still crying and suffering after three days. God doesn’t let people suffer so that He can show us that He has mercy. His true love for us is sufficient.
In reality He is not showing mercy because what this person is going through was already planned way before this time came. The day this person was born, his day of departure and how it was going to be was planned. There are no surprises in God’s kingdom. There is not a hair that falls from one’s head during the night that is not noticed by Him. He just wants to teach us that His mercy is maybe not what we expected. Maybe His mercy is to let this person suffer a little longer and not because He enjoys seeing this but because His purpose is not our purpose. The way He does things is not the way we probably would have done them. We also don’t have to thank Him because he doesn’t need it to make Him feel good. When Jesus cured 3 blind men, and only one came back and thanked Him, He didn’t command that the others become blind again. He just asked this simple question.
The reason why we need to thank Him is so that we know who was responsible for what had just happened. We need to see that He has mercy so that we know that nothing is impossible for God. I think that the most important mercy that God can show is not just to cure the body of any ailments or take away a poor soul that has been suffering. It is the mercy that He shows us each and every day when He forgives us of our sins. He still keeps blessing us even though we don’t give Him the time of day. He is still there waiting for us, even when we only seem to come to Him when we need His help. Once things go just fine for us we completely forget that He exists. This is the time that He is showing us the most mercy when He comes and meets us where we are and doesn’t just wait for us to come to Him. When He could be sending us lightning bolts every time we messed up but waits just for the right moment to send His love and compassion to us. Just like the song “Amazing Grace” says about a poor soul. It describes the amazing grace that God has for us but this also includes mercy. He shows us His love, grace, mercy and all of the other virtues that one can imagine and for this we should always thank Him. For whom He really is and not what He can do to us if we don’t obey His commandments. For love and not expecting anything back because He has given us everything that we need even though we might not be aware of many of them.
- MY LAST BREATH
Most people wonder what it is like to see a dying man take his last breath. To me I didn’t have a last breath but a first one. I didn’t just take in a deep breath and hold it until I was on the other side. I just stopped breathing in one place and starting truly breathing for the first time in another place. I know that this might bring back memories for some of you that have had this experience, but it is a fact of life, and if I am to describe to you in this book a lot of things that others can’t, because they have not had the opportunity of telling their side of the story, then I must tell everything whether you like to read it or not. I just want to clarify one thing before we proceed. I am alive. I am not dead. My body has died but my spirit is more alive now than it ever has been while it was inside my earthly body.
Now that I have made this clear then we can move on. I have passed from one phase of my life to another and I will not return there anymore. This new air that my spirit is breathing is pure and full of love, compassion and forgiveness and I will not try to explain how it feels because there is no worldly word that could totally describe it. I will just call it pure air.
It is in a perfect world surrounded by people that are full of love embraced by the spirit of our Lord, which we all know who He truly is. Some of us have known some of Him during their lives and like me I did not really know who He was. Now I do, and I am going to breathe Him into my spirit for the rest of all eternity. I think that with this explanation, we know now what I am feeling.
- IT IS NOT THAT I WASN’T GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS BUT HOW I FELT BEFORE THIS HAPPENED
There are many types of death. Some people are walking around and they are dead inside. Others have left their bodies behind and are more alive now than they have ever been before. When others don’t seem to pay attention to someone, this is also a form of death because nobody cares whether that person is alive or dead and they are almost being treated like they have already died. Since I was going to die from this anyways then why would anyone go out of their way to do something for me so that I could maybe have a beautiful last meal instead of having to eat one that was left on my front door steps? Why show someone how you really feel about them and why extend a helping hand when needed? Why show a little bit more love, compassion and forgiveness?
You might think that this will probably not be their last meal so you might want to do this another day when you don’t have that many other important things to do, and maybe that day will never come. We are all going to eat our last meal, even our Lord did, but what matters the most is how one is feeling when they are doing this. He knew that this was going to be His last but we don’t. I have seen people on the streets pushing shopping carts with their earthly belongings in them and also some had only a plastic bag to carry their things in. I always wondered what happened to their earthly possessions that possibly they once had and how they didn’t have them anymore. I looked at my things and I had many diplomas and achievement awards and many pictures that showed how successful I was in this life.
Now I see that my things all fit in a bunch of boxes and my family is trying to see where they can store these earthly belongings that I had. Most of my clothes will be probably be worn by others that need it more now than I do. Come to think of it, I wasn’t better off than these people that had very little because I now have less than they do. All the sacrifice and hard work that I had done are all in a few boxes and being put out of the way so that my family can move on and the memories of me will not weigh them down for long.
I am not affected by what I am seeing but I sometimes wonder how they feel about my not being there with them anymore. I can feel something but only the Lord has the privilege of knowing everything. I have been able to feel what unconditional true love is and this leaves no room for any hard feelings and regrets. Many of these people that have very little in this life are maybe more alive than others that have so much. I had a lot and sometimes I felt that I was dead because of how I was being treated towards the end. This is sad to know this now that I can see clearer and can see what my family’s true feelings were at that particular time. How sad that one sometimes only looks at what one has not done right in this life and forgets about the times when one seemed to be on a roll and everybody enjoyed the ride.
Every time I recall my last few days of life on this earth it makes me wonder why the ones that supposedly should love you the most are the ones that can hurt you the most. I don’t have an answer to that and one must move on because in this place there is no past but only the future. I am so glad that my Lord’s plan permitted me to leave that situation quicker than most people thought. They might have thought that I was too young to go but what I had been through made me feel that I was much older.
- THERE WAS NO CURE FOR WHAT I HAD BECAUSE MY DAY AND THE WAY I WAS GOING TO LEAVE WAS ALREADY PLANNED BEFORE I WAS BORN
Some of you might not agree with what this statement says. I don’t really care because I now do know that this has been the case with me. I don’t pretend to know how everything works here because it is not up to me to know this but the One that organized all of this. What matters most is that one way or another, eventually we will all have to come to where I am right now. Some sooner and some later but this is fact of life. Since the Lord knows everything then He must have known the day, the time and the means that it was going to happen to me. What really mattered is that I didn’t know this.
Because of this I kept trying my best to get better and try to not mess up too many things before this would happen to me. I tried to live each day as best as I could and like I have said before, I thought that I would live to a ripe old age. I felt that I had lived many more years than it really was because of all the things that I had been able to accomplish in this life and also all of the pain and suffering that I had to go through during the last few years of my life. Maybe the quantity doesn’t matter as much as the quality. I learned so many things in such a short time and this maybe was the reason why I learned my lesson so quickly and was taken away at such a young age. I don’t know and I don’t plan on knowing because He is in charge and I am not. I could have done so many treatments and tried so many new things to maybe be able find the solutions to my problems and issues that I had. Too late now to go back and change even one thing that I could have done better.
Again I must repeat that it was not just one problem and issue but many. What you saw was not the real problem but the solution that I had sought to solve my problem. I thought that it was working for me just fine even though others didn’t think so. They kept blaming just one thing and I knew that they were wrong but I didn’t want to open myself up and tell them my real problems and issues. I wasn’t stubborn headed but I just thought that since this was my problem then it was up to me to solve it my way.
My way didn’t fail because like I have stated before there was no cure for what I had. I needed to learn to live with this until it was going to be my turn to leave. I learned about other people and how they all came to my rescue to help me but they couldn’t. I learned about the ones that should have helped me more but gave up on me too soon. I learned that even though I was able to help others I couldn’t help myself. I learned that I was not really alone in all of this and now I know who was there beside me all along and sometimes had to carry me. I learned many more lessons being in the condition that I was than when I was at the top of my game, believe it or not. They say that the reason why we suffer is so that we can become better and the glory of God can flow through us. I now know that this was true for me. I have not all of a sudden become a spiritual person but I now know what I didn’t know while I was living on earth and I just can’t stop talking about Him. This is not about me and what happened to me down there but about Him and why He permitted this to happen to me.
His purpose is not mine and I now realize what our real purpose in life is and that is to do His will whether we like it or not. I am the perfect example of one that was blind and now I am able to see.
- SOME MIGHT BE THANKING GOD THAT HE FINALLY TOOK ME AWAY
I hate to say this but I have found out that this is true. I kind of suspected it when I was still alive but now I was shown by my Lord that my thoughts were not that exaggerated. Since this situation came into my life nobody could really count on me keeping my word. They would still invite me to go to places but nobody knew how I was going to act. I made a fool of myself a few times and I was promised that they would not take me to another event again. When the time came sometimes they had forgotten about this promise and there I went again doing my usual thing. Sometimes I surprised them by being my usual self and maybe they thought that finally I had snapped out of it. They were surprised that I had not, and it wasn’t that I was doing it on purpose, but things just seemed to sometimes get out of control and I couldn’t help it.
If I was an animal maybe they would have decided to lock me up and let me out only if they knew that I was going to behave. Luckily they didn’t do this. Sometimes they would just let me be by myself and this way I was no trouble to anyone. They might have thought that this was a better solution but in reality it made things worse because when I saw that everybody had left, I wondered why they didn’t take me along. I couldn’t understand why they would leave me behind. I was still alive and wanted to be part of the picture but it seemed that each time they wanted to leave me behind. I promised that I would behave and sometimes I did but they were all watching me to see when I would mess things up.
When I was sent away to live by myself then everybody must have been more relieved that they didn’t have to cope with me on a daily basis. I would still let them know that I hadn’t died yet and sometimes I tried to send some pretty nasty text messages to make sure that they definitely knew this. This method of communication seemed to have backfired because it would take them longer to respond and then I would get inpatient and send a bunch more out. That system didn’t work either. I was trying to cry out and make them aware that I was suffering, and that I had changed, and if only they would have given me a few more chances.
Even at the end I was being invited to attend more and more events and when I didn’t show up some people thought that I was doing my usual routine but in reality these last couple of days I was going through a living hell. I was mostly left alone to do my thing and then when I would snap out of it, business would continue as usual. Nobody knew that this day was going to be different and it was not me that didn’t keep my word but somebody else that had other plans for me. I still pissed off a couple of people because they thought that I was just playing games with them but this time the game was over and the team had already left the field. I was playing another game and this time the clock was not ticking any more. There would not be any time out and there would not be a winner or a looser in this game. This was the game of life and from now on everybody wins and nobody gets tired or hurt any more.
Everybody is interested to help each other do their very best so that they can feel that they are all on the same team. Some are thanking God that I finally went away and now they can all go back to their usual routines without my being a bother to them anymore.
- TO SOME I WAS WORTH MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE
I was told this the last time I had lunch with a couple of friends of mine. I just laughed and they made a remark that probably I was going to outlive everybody because I come from a line of relatives that most have died of old age and they just want to hang around until there is nothing left of them. I guess my friends were maybe right and I was wrong. It seemed that during these last couple of years I was so close to dying sooner, that everyone was amazed at how I survived. It was not my time which the Lord had already determined when it was going to be and how.
I want to just give you some information about my financial situation. I know that this is not important right now but I just want to share with you some facts that you need to know. Like most of us that are working at the time this happens to us, I did have a life insurance policy, money in the bank, stocks and bonds, pension plan and plenty of cash in my pockets. I had made millions but also we had spent most of it on living the good life. I think that they will not have to worry about having to live out on the streets and have to go to the food bank to get some free food. I have other worldly treasures that I couldn’t take with me so they can get some money from these also. I think that considering the short life that I lived and the places that we travelled to, I did pretty well for someone that wasn’t looking to become a millionaire. I feel pretty good that they can’t complain that now that I have passed on that maybe it was true what my friends said about my worth. They don’t have to worry about calling or texting me anymore. They don’t have to come and check up on me anymore because I stopped being an inconvenience to them and they don’t have to worry about making a fool of myself in front of anybody.
My kids can continue to attend the schools that they were attending and so I am at peace with what I have been able to accomplish with my life with regards to giving my family financial stability. It is sad that one works really hard during their whole life and then others take over where one leaves off and enjoys what that person worked so hard to achieve. I know that this is true not just in my case but with everyone that has not been able to enjoy more time to spend more of their hard earned money on things that maybe they wanted to spend it on. I can’t complain because even though I was the one that made the most money my children helped pitch in going out and working at different jobs these last few years. For this I will be forever grateful to them and I would like for my family alone to be able to enjoy the sacrifice that I had to make for them.
I can’t make decisions anymore for them and I have to let them make their own now and let them be responsible for their own actions. They might make some mistakes or maybe not, but in the end they will have to leave everything behind like I had to and come to where I will be waiting for them with open arms. My Lord might be shaking His head in disappointment when he might see some of my family members thinking about who they were trying to fool and in reality they are only fooling themselves.
They aren’t hurting me, but hurting Him that has given them this opportunity to be wise stewards of what I left behind. I made it possible for them to have this so that they can have an easier life than I had.
- I HAVEN’T LEFT, I AM HERE CLOSER THAN YOU THINK
While you are looking around to see where I am at, I can save you some time and just say that you will not see me anymore with your eyes. You will not be able to hear my voice anymore and you will not be able to touch me. What I have become is something you can only feel. You can feel me in your heart and in your soul. Sometimes I might be able to get into your mind and give you some ideas about what you should and should not be doing. This is due to the fact that my Lord is permitting me to communicate with you this way. It is not like what you see in the movies, but this is true and this is a way that He permits others to still be close to the ones that one has come into contact with while living there. It would not be fair to take us to some distant place away from where we had lived and just sit there and do nothing but wait. He knows us more than we know ourselves and He is one that loves to use us to do His will because this is what gives Him joy to see how we do things for others.
This is what He taught us while we were here but we didn’t listen to Him when He said it is better to give than to receive. Do unto others and not wait for them to do it unto you. Now I understand more clearly what He told us and how we are to use these teachings to help others while they are still living here on this earth. He doesn’t sit there on His throne like a magician and makes things happen but uses us to act as His representatives to do what He wants us to do. Some people might call us angels or some other words and that is fine but what we are called doesn’t matter, it is what we do that matters most. I need to clarify that we can’t do anything on our own because we rely exclusively on what He desires us to do. We do this out of love and He in turn does this because of the love He has for all of us in this place and also those that are still living someplace else.
I don’t want to try to explain this system because I didn’t invent it and I am not in charge, but the only thing I can say is that it is perfect like He is. He already knew where my heart would always remain and that is with my family and friends that I have had the opportunity of being able to share some time together in this life. He knows how much I cared and loved each one of them and He knows where I need to stay at least for a while until He decides what is next. I have not arrived at this place cleansed clean of what I have done wrong during my life but this is a way of scrubbing off some of those stains by doing things for others because of the love that I have for them.
Just like when I arrived here, I was taken care of very well because they all loved me, the same I want to do for others as they come here also. In the meantime I need to keep taking care of my family so that they can go through this shock that has just occurred to them and live a life full of beautiful memories of how I really was and also how I had become. Hopefully this will serve as a lesson for them to learn from my experience and not just what I did but what I felt towards the end. Hopefully they will treat others better than I was treated and this way they will not just please me but also my Lord and they will be able to feel this peace and know that I am proud of them. I will be there for them whenever they will need my help in anything because with the help of my Lord nothing is impossible.
If it was up to me I would sleep right there on the floor next to their bed when they are sleeping I would be protecting them every single night until it would be their turn to come and see me again.
- I DON’T WANT TO COME BACK
Some of you might be wondering if I am missing the life that I had there before. I would be lying to you if I would say that I don’t. Even though where I am at right now is truly a paradise there is something about the life that one lives on earth that is something else. Now I can see a little bit better why we all come there to do what we were sent there to do. Sorry to say but for some it has been a living hell and for some it has been a ride in the park. I don’t have the understanding to know why because I am not in charge and even though I have some pretty good qualifications to be able to help Him out, He can do His job quite well without my help.
He does use us when we are living there but not because He truly needs our help but for us to learn the biggest lesson, and that He is in charge and we are not. He knows everything and we don’t. His ways are not our ways because He can see the whole picture and we can’t. He is the Master and it would be much easier for all of us when we come to the realization that we should just act like His servants and don’t ask so many questions about why this and that and not why this way or why is it taking so long? I would love to just go back for just a few seconds or maybe just for one day so that I could just communicate to the ones that truly miss me that I am okay. Tell them that I am preparing the way so that someday I can come and greet them into this new place. I wouldn’t do this so I was showing off like I was sent down there like a messenger but just a true friend that was concerned about the wellbeing of somebody else. I would just give them a few pointers and maybe some advice that I learned just now and was blind and now I can see.
Well maybe this would take several days or maybe even weeks because probably they would have some questions for me and knowing the way I am they know that I would take the time to answer their questions. Maybe there is a better idea and that is why this book is being written. This way maybe some of the questions that they might have about how I am doing and what I am doing will be answered. I know that I won’t be able to physically go back but my spirit can anytime, so I am going to have to be satisfied with this new system that I am becoming familiar with because it was not I that put this all into place but the Man.
In life they always say that one must move on. One can look back and see somethings that maybe they didn’t see before, but there is nothing one can do to change one single thing. One can see one’s errors and try to improve and also it is wonderful to see how the Lord’s hand had a part in everything that happened. Even the events that one would rather forget than remember, someday we will truly know why they happened this way. I need to look forward because there are too many things that I need to learn about but it is not just the learning process that is important but what one experiences while one is learning these things. It is very difficult to put into words so I want to just say that eventually you will all have to come to where I am now so why would I want to come back there and learn what? I have already lived an exciting and interesting life and I have loved and cried and experienced many of the pleasures that life has to offer but I am in a beautiful place and not just a better place.
It is better for you to come to me rather than I come back to you. You will understand more when we will meet each other again.
- WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS OR THAT
This is what seems to be the excuse nowadays of why people don’t go out of their way to do things for others or to visit someone once in a while. One is so busy doing the thing that one wants to do for themselves and also the things that one has to do for the family. Then, when one stops for just one minute to think about why they are doing all of this they don’t have an answer to this question. It seems that when somebody finds some time available that is free to do whatever, that we seem to fill this spot to do other things so that if there were 26 hours in a day we would be doing things that would occupy those hours.
If there were more hours available we would just do more things. It seems that we don’t leave much time to just do nothing but maybe just think about what we want our lives to be. Just take a minute and think about who is responsible for giving us just one more day to live here on this earth. To think about if we are happy where we are right now in our lives and if not what we would need to change so that something would be different. Some people take that time to read things. Others want to watch something that makes them help to unwind. Some might just pick up a glass of wine, a drink or even a cigarette, and enjoy the moment that they have to themselves and appreciate the possibility of being able to do this. Others are running from here to there and back again and doing this day in and day out. It just seems that we don’t have time for this or that.
How mistaken we truly are because when this happened to me there seemed to be time to come and see for themselves if I was really dead or not. They wanted to see how I looked and tried to imagine what I felt when this happened to me. They couldn’t because I couldn’t speak to them, and let them know, and even though I did leave a note behind, they haven’t found it yet because I hid it in a secure place. Then there had to be some time made to make funeral arrangements and then go there and be present for a few hours. One wonders where all of this time came from. Nobody added a few more hours to their regular 24 hour days.
People didn’t hire a maid to go and do what they originally had to do themselves. Some way or another the time was found to do all of these extra things. When necessary, some things that we feel are important for us to do daily are put on the back burner and left for another day. Some vacations are postponed for another time and so if need be one can rearrange their schedules to accommodate for this event. Does this mean that we should have to attend more funerals? Does this mean that more people have to die so that we will make the time to take care of this business instead of our usual business? Maybe some didn’t make time to come and visit me when I needed it the most. Maybe some needed to take some time to go out to dinner with me a couple of more times to talk to me before they would never have the chance to talk to me again. Maybe there needed to be some time taken out of everybody’s busy schedule to see sooner if I was okay or not, and maybe, just maybe, they might have had the opportunity of saving my life one more time. I am not saying this so that anyone will feel remorse because like I have said before my time had come and there was no way to change this.
I just wanted to mention this to those that are still alive, and that they can take some time away from their busy schedule to just take one minute and think who they can visit or call for just a few minutes before they will eating their last meal, taking their last shower, sending their last text message or saying their last words to someone.
- DID YOU TRY YOUR BEST?
I sincerely think that one of the questions that our Lord might ask us when we return to His presence is this. Apart from “welcome home” and others that only He would know. Maybe He will not say anything and what really matters is what He radiates and what our souls receive from Him. This will be indescribable and I don’t want to spend too much time about trying to figure out what that will be. The question that we should always ask ourselves probably during our whole lives is the title of this article. A father once told his kids he didn’t expect them to get straight “A’s” in school even though they did, but that they needed to try their best and if it was straight “D’s” then that would be okay with him. Trying your best might not be what the world considers one that is successful.
It might just be to survive being homeless. It might just be being bed ridden during your whole life but when people enter your room they feel this special spirit that they know can only come from one source. We will have many opportunities presented to us during our lives in which sometimes we need to go the extra mile and do more than just our best. Sometimes we can’t even get out of bed because of all the pain we might have or of all the drugs that we took the night before. Our best could just be to take that extra step towards being more humble, more loving, more compassionate and more forgiving.
We should be trying to be what we think we should be while we are living on this earth. Saying what we need to say to comfort others or just to sit there and look at someone with loving eyes. We should be doing something or just thinking about someone or maybe just praying for somebody. Trying to do our best is to do something and not just think about it. We should be getting up and taking the very first step even though it might be the last one that we ever take while we are still alive there.
Trying your best is using what you have been given and sharing it with others. It might be the ability to just play the piano or just sing a song. When we have a doubt, it is doing what one considers to be their best choice. If they didn’t choose correctly then they should just pick themselves up and continue with what they decided that they needed to do. A true coach will want his team to do their best even if they have no chance of winning a game. The best coaches will always tell their team that the only thing that they will expect from the players is for them to try to do their best. We are all players in this game of life and each have their position to play and as long as we try our best then the team will continue to be a team. When some start to slack off and do what they need to do to just get by so as to just survive then it puts a strain on the rest of the team. Even though they might be able to come in and help those that are not doing their part, it still makes it more difficult than if everyone would just have tried to do their part. For some doing their best was just to bring the water to the rest of the players and to others it would be to score the winning points.
Each part of the body has a function and as long as they do their part then the body has a better chance of doing what it was intended to do. If you feel that you haven’t tried to do your best, there is still time before the clock strikes 12.
It doesn’t matter when you start to do this but that you do it before it is too late.
- IF ALL PROBLEMS IN THIS WORLD WERE TO BE KEPT IN THE DARK
I am not trying to be a hero. I am just trying to let my story be told to those that want to know. It is not just my story but the ones that millions of people have not been able to tell us theirs. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity of telling you some things about mine that is common with many other people in this world. These are the problems that are kept in the dark, and the things that supposedly one should not talk about. Exposing these problems doesn’t mean that the person that had any of them was less of a person than those that didn’t. All of us have problems and all of us for sure are sinners whether we want to admit it or not. This mask that a lot of us put on when we wake up in the morning and don’t take it off until we go to bed at night is something we think will not be seen by anyone. How mistaken they are because it is being seen by thousands of us that are watching right now.
Some might be some relative that has passed on and one thinks that they are someplace else doing something more important for themselves. How ridiculous this is. This is the place where they have lived their whole lives. This is the place where they sacrificed all they could so that others could be better off than they. This is the place where they died. Who in their right mind would think that they would be transported to some far off place to feel uncomfortable with their surroundings with people walking around that they don’t know? Their relatives and loved ones are still living here and you think that this is the time to think about themselves instead of doing things for those that are still living here. You have got to be kidding me. We are here and we ain’t going anyplace whether you like it or not. We are here to stay until our Lord tells us to do something different. We see everything that He permits us to see and most of the times we are having a fun time watching people that are still alive down there thinking that they are fooling others but in reality we are not being fooled. For sure the Lord is not being fooled either. We know the problems and issues that everybody is having and our work is to try to do what we can to comfort them in their time of need.
You can call us angels if you want to but names don’t matter up here. It is what we do and not what we are called. We only have one master, and we are all the same in His eyes. We do things for His glory, and not for us. This makes us feel the love He has for all of us and the ones that are still alive on earth. They are not really alive but somewhat alive because they don’t know what being truly alive really means until one comes here to this place. That world has had and will always have many problems and some will be solved and others will not.
If they are to be kept in the dark and not brought out in the light then they will never be solved. We need to expose them so that we can try to find some solutions to them. We can come together to help others with their issues. When people come together for a common cause, they seem to be able to do miracles with God’s help. The true nature of people is to come together to help others resolve their problems and issues if they are made aware of what they are. Nobody can guess what they are if they are hidden away and kept in the dark.
By exposing them there is chance of taking care of them and maybe someday having the opportunity of eliminating them.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND HOW I HANDLED IT MIGHT SERVE AS A LESSON TO ALL
It is time to sit back and start taking notes now. I am going to teach you something that maybe you didn’t know before and you must pay attention to what I have to tell you. What happened to me is probably happening to millions of other people in this world. For sure I know that this is the case and it is happening to a lot more people but some have not come out in the open yet with their problems and how they are handling them. I didn’t just have one problem or issue but many.
We all have those whether we want to admit it or not. When we are born and are very young, we don’t seem to have any, but as time goes by, it seems that we become magnets. Some are minor and some are not and we can handle some pretty easily and others we can’t. Some we put on the back burner to be resolved later on and some we resolve immediately. Some fires we put out in a hurry and some we just leave in a corner keeping an eye on them and making sure they don’t get out of control. Some are problems that we have caused ourselves and others have been caused by others that we associate with. This becomes a bigger problem because you need to know how to deal with a situation when somebody else is also involved in this.
I am going to give you just one small example. If my problem is that I feel inadequate with what I am required to do then I can either decide to do something else or take something that might help me with doing my task better. If my problems or issues are how I am being treated by someone else whether what I feel is right or wrong, then I need to transmit this to the other person so that they can understand what my situation is and how uncomfortable I am feeling with what is going on. I might be feeling that I am not being treated with respect, that I don’t receive gratitude or am not being appreciated for what I do. I might feel this but in reality this maybe is not the case.
I also don’t want somebody to change unless that they are doing this because they want to and not because they have to do it or else. When two people start to each go their separate ways and do things on their own then sometimes if one doesn’t do something about this, in time maybe one feels that it is not worth the hassle to try to work things out. One thinks that these things will get resolved on their own and most of the time they won’t. Add on to this situation, going out and finding a new friend to accompany one during these times of isolation from the other, then one starts to light the fuse. I just wanted to mention this little example to see if you might understand maybe what I am saying here.
So what is the lesson here to be learned? Instead of each going their own separate ways one should talk about what is happening and not be afraid of being chewed out or yelled at and accused of being the one that has the problem. Might as well put on some boxing gloves rather than go to a corner and sit there like an animal that knows that it has done something wrong waiting to be punished. The problem here is if one doesn’t want to go and fight for their rights, then we have a more serious problem here.
Sometimes seeking professional help might be an answer but sometimes it might mean that the feelings that one has for each other are starting to die or have died and one doesn’t want to accept this reality.
- IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO ACCOMPLISH A LOT
Sometimes we think that we need to do a lot because there are many people in this world that have, are, or will be going through some of the things that I have had to go through. What we don’t realize is that we don’t have to do a lot of things for others if we don’t want to or can’t. We for sure will not be able to solve a lot of things that people need help with. One can do a lot or one can do little. What one invests in doing at least something even it if isn’t much will go a long way in accomplishing a lot.
Just a small gesture of kindness towards someone might bring a smile on someone’s face that hasn’t been there for years. Just a simple hamburger given to somebody that maybe hasn’t eaten in a couple of days will hit just the right spot. Buying somebody a drink so that they can quench their thirst is like finding an oasis in a desert. Giving somebody a dollar might not buy them a new car but they can go and get some food that might hold them through another day. What is more important is not what one does for someone else but that they feel that somebody took the time to realize that they do still exist and that somebody went out of their way to do something for them. That somebody decided to turn their heads and look at them and give them a smile or a thumbs up demonstrating to them that maybe from now on things will get better. A simple hug from another living human being is probably something that they haven’t received in a long time because maybe they haven’t taken a bath for a week. You don’t have to invite somebody into your house or give them a ride if you don’t want to, but at least demonstrate to them that they are somebody and that they do exist.
Sometimes it is not what we do but what we transmit with our spirits because these people can feel more than they can see. Trying to get to the root of why some people are living this way or acting a certain way or have to take certain things to cope with the day is what we should try to do for them. We don’t have to become therapists, but just caring human beings. We don’t need to know their whole life stories, but just deal with the present situation. Most of them don’t bite and maybe you will be surprised by what they might say to you. When you are eating in a restaurant and you see somebody come in and ask for some food or a drink and they don’t have enough money, stop eating your meal and go and help them pay for theirs. Just a little will go a long way toward making that person’s day seem brighter. If you had enough money to give someone thousands of dollars so that they could out and purchase a house for themselves, you might be surprised seeing them instead go out and buy food so that those that don’t have anything will at least be able to eat something.
We are not doing this to receive recognition from anyone or even a “thank you” from them but just because we feel like it. I can assure you that when you will be standing before the Lord, He will ask you to turn around, and you will see all these people that you did this to, and they will be giving you a thumbs up. Whether we like it or not we are in this together and we are connected to each other more than we can imagine. It is not about who gets to the finish line first or how we get there but who we bring with us. The solution to much of this world’s problems is much simpler than we can imagine.
The biggest problem is for us to take the first step towards doing what we should be doing for others and not just ourselves. They say that it is better to give than to receive but most of us like to do this backwards. Hopefully some day we will decide to start doing our part to make this world a better place for all of us to live in.
- WHAT THE WORLD SEES IS NOT WHAT TRULY IS
I don’t know how to truly try to explain this in simple terms. Most of us think that what we see going on in this world is what is really happening. We go to a park and see a family having fun with their children and we think that this is wonderful to see. We might only be seeing a very small piece of the whole pie. When they get home, the father might go to his private room and turn on his computer and the wife might go and do what she feels that she needs to be doing knowing what her husband is “really” doing and she is fine with that. The kids get out their electronic devices and spend the rest of the day being in their own world.
On the outside everything might seem to be okay because they are doing what the majority of this world is doing and it must be okay because it has been accepted as the norm. We then see people lying there on the streets like some truck has just dumped them off and we start to imagine that this is not right and they should have been put someplace else where the rest of the world can’t see them. This is not what normally should be seen by those that are living normal lives and doing what supposedly they should be doing. We see some that are walking like they are fighting a wind storm and we know why they are doing this and holding a paper bag with one hand and trying to balance themselves so that they don’t fall. We can imagine what they have been doing and look at them with disgust because they shouldn’t be doing this in the open. Why don’t they just go someplace by themselves and do whatever they want to do and get it over with?
We see people wearing clothes that haven’t been washed in months and see them just walking around like zombies and wonder why they are being lazy and are not going out to find a decent job so that they don’t have be doing what they are doing right now. We don’t care what is going through their heads and what sort of life they have lived so far. What we care about is that they don’t fit in with the rest of us and they should be shipped off to some remote area of town and leave them to fend for themselves.
Then a scripture comes to our minds of those that do things to the least but these are below them so we are not required to do anything for them if they don’t want to do it themselves. We are sure that if they would just snap out of this and get with the program that they could become like us normal people. We see people riding in fancy cars and living in luxurious homes and feel jealous that they are there and we are here and wish that we could exchange places. We don’t know what goes on when the doors close behind them when they arrive at their house. We see people living a certain way and we don’t want to even get close to them for fear that we might catch something and if we really knew how they really were we would want to have them move into our homes and live with us. All of these things that I have mentioned were about what we saw and we as humans think that it is more important to see something, rather than know.
If we see it then we believe it so that we know what is really going on. We are totally mistaken because what we see sometimes is not what it truly is. What the world also sees most of the time is not what truly is. We can’t see the purpose, the reason or the feelings of why people do certain things, only One can see this. He is the only one that sees the whole picture.
- YOU CAN’T TAKE ANYTHING WITH YOU
We have probably heard this saying a million times and we might be wondering why it is said over and over if we already know this. To be honest with you, we need to keep hearing these words over and over until we die because we are not listening. We read these word and don’t seem to understand what we are reading. The message doesn’t sink in and it just stays there on the surface. The reason why I say this is I can assure you that you will never see a U-Haul following a hearse or building a coffin so big that one can take some of their earthly possessions with them. Even the possessions that were buried with the Egyptian kings never left the spot that they were put at. Luckily for some, when they found them they became rich by selling them to the highest bidder.
We see so many people having so much material wealth that it makes me sick to think about it and there are those that have so little and in the end you will all end up here with me with what I have on me which is nothing. Regardless if you were buried in an expensive coffin or just a bag, it stays where it was buried. You don’t need anything that was acquired there to live forever here. The Lord provides everything for you and if you don’t believe me now then someday you will and I will come up to you and ask you if you believe me now? What is my advice to those that have more than they need? Help the ones that don’t have as much. Don’t be greedy because it will not last long. One can only eat so much food and buy so many things and live in so many homes and drive so many cars and then what? Give all you don’t need away. Help those that need it to live a little bit better on this earth. You are not doing this for them but for yourself. The smiles and hugs and love that you will feel from them will be priceless. The words of appreciation that they will say to you will be music to your ears.
Use the wealth and money that you have to make where you live at a better place so that the Lord will be pleased with what you have done. I will assure you that when you will meet Him you will know the meaning of what I have just said. Start this trend and don’t wait for others to do it before you. If you want to be stingy then don’t give it all away and just keep some for yourself for a rainy day. God will still thank you for what you have given away.
If you don’t have much then just give someone a dollar or just a few coins. It is not the value that matters so much but why you are doing this. We don’t need to be billionaires or millionaires to make a big difference in this world. It doesn’t take much to do a lot. Don’t wait until tomorrow or for somebody to come to you because I assure you that if you seek, ye shall find. Try it and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised at what will happen to how you feel inside once you have done this. Who in this world doesn’t want to feel good on the inside? It won’t take much. It’s your choice. He supposedly can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but just try it once if you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t like to do it again then don’t do it, but be prepared for what might happen to you and then you will know what I now know.
The Lord is watching you and you are not doing this for Him because in reality you are doing it for yourself. Trust me on this.
- THE BEGINNING
We always want to move forward and not look at those that helped us to get where we are now. I didn’t realize that during my life and I include myself as being one of those people, but being here I can see all the people that have gone before me and the sacrifices that they had to go through so that I am today who I am due to them. The one that I had almost completely forgot about is my Lord, but now I realize truly what He has done for me and all of us. If this would not have happened to me at this point in my life I would have lived the rest of my life not knowing who He was and I would have missed out on so many things that I know now.
For this I am deeply grateful for the mercy that He showed to me by taking me away at such a young age. Now I have the rest of eternity to get to know who He really is and how much He was present in my life and I didn’t realize it. I promise that I will not waste any more time. I have met my match, and I now know what my goal in this new life will be. That is to touch any heart and soul that He will permit me to touch and to help anyone that He chooses for me to help by protecting and guiding and whispering to their soul what He wants me to do for them. For all eternity I will forever serve Him, praise and will give glory to Him alone. I have wasted some years but I promise to work twice as fast to feel worthy to live in His presence. I have been able to accomplish a lot of things in my earthly life not knowing who He really was.
Now that I know, nobody can stop me from making up all this lost time that I have wasted. The Lord’s body was laid in a borrowed grave but mine is not going to be there for just 3 days. My spirit is more alive now than it has ever been before while enclosed in its outer shell. Now it is free to do what it was meant to do all this time. With the Lord’s help I know that it will be able to do this and much more. Nothing is impossible for the Lord. I have returned to my “real” home where I have found “true” love and I will not waste any more time to do what my Lord wants me to do for Him while I am here. For me this is not the end but the beginning of a new life free of the imperfections of my earthly body.
I would be lying if I was to say that I don’t miss anything about my previous life. It is not the things that I could touch and see but the things that I was blind but now I can see and now I truly know the meaning of that song. I know what I want my goal to be and hopefully by your reading this book you will feel what I am excited about now and that life is beautiful and it must be lived to its fullest. For those that think that life is a living hell, the only thing that I can tell them is that once you are here where I am at, all your pains and sorrows that you are having to go through, will be totally removed from your spirit. You will truly know that what the scriptures have said are true. Your time will arrive and your reward will be waiting for you when you will be welcomed here by those that truly loved you.
For those that are still remaining on the side lines thinking about if what I have just written is true or not, the only thing that I can say is that you will find out for yourself when the time comes and I would not waste any more precious time thinking about it but doing something because maybe your last meal is just around the corner because you don’t know it and then it will be too late to do something for someone else.
AN OPEN LETTER ABOUT “MY LAST MEAL”
This letter is to those that have read, are reading, or will be reading this new book. It was written in a week, contains approximately 50.000 words and this information is not being told as to brag but to give just a little background about this book. The person that wrote this had no intention of writing a book but the Lord works in mysterious ways. He has never written a book before and the reason why he would like to just give this book away for free is because he was not charged anything to write it.
The information that this book contains came to him for free and he feels that it would not be right for him to make any monetary gain from doing this. He only did what he felt that he needed to do for the Lord and not himself. He is the only one that deserves the credit and the glory. The only thing that he was feeling was love and at times while writing it he was crying, felt sadness or joy and also a very special peace that can only come from one source. He didn’t know why he was writing what was being communicated to his mind every time he sat at the computer whether it was at 9 p.m. or 3 a.m. because the time didn’t matter where these words were coming from. When his computer stopped working he kept writing by hand the introduction and the beginning during a church service.
What matters most is what this book says or doesn’t say with the words that have been written down on paper. It doesn’t mention any names because like it states, it is not about one person but about millions of people that are not able to share their stories with anyone because they are not alive on this earth. The Lord is in charge, whether we believe it or not. To some this book might be considered a novel; to others some of the chapters might hit a spot and give you an idea of what you can do to help make someone else’s life easier that is going through some difficult times. To others they might be reminded of some special person that has passed on and it might bring back memories of maybe how they spent their last days on this earth.
This book is about reflection and to have you just take one moment to reflect on any action that you might have done while you are still alive on this earth. If you have been doing your part to do whatever you feel you need to do, then you will feel this peace knowing that you have not wasted your precious time and somebody has been watching your every action and purpose for doing them. For those that haven’t done what they feel they needed to do then there is still time until your “last meal” and you should start now and not wait until tomorrow.
For those that feel some sort of guilt about their actions, this book should give you the assurance that you have been forgiven and that in the end love dominates everything because God is love. One main purpose of living here is that we admit that we have all sinned and that when we realize this, we go seek forgiveness from whomever. This book should give us all hope that there is life after death and that our Lord, loved ones and enemies are not that far away watching over us.
This book states one true fact and that there is a God and He is our Lord and that whatever trials we have to go through in this life is because of love and not anything else. For some that read this book it might open up a fresh wound that probably has some infection underneath the skin and the quicker this infection is taken care of, the better it will be to help with this healing process. He hopes that this is done for the right reason or else this infection will return and one might have to amputate this part of their body.
You might be wondering why he is not putting his name down as the one that should be taking credit for writing this book. He feels that his name is not important because this task could have been given to anybody else still living here and it would not be fair to those that were not chosen to do this. What matters most is the content of this book and not who typed the words on paper.
One last thing that he would suggest to all that decide to read this book and it is that you read all of it and don’t just read a couple of chapters and decide to go out and kill the messenger. This will not accomplish anything because he was told to do this and was already warned about what would happen and he still agreed to accept. He has not much to lose but everything to gain because his reward will not be in this life. He can then also be where the rest of these people are right now that had the opportunity of having the Lord dictate some of their stories so that “all of His children” would learn something they needed to learn while they are still living here on this earth.